I wanna tell you guys a story about this evil asshole Loki. This asshole hates everybody, and is a demanding douchebag that thinks he owns the house. He doesn’t like me, he doesn’t like children, he doesn’t like anybody. Loki is a mean, tough bastard that could have taken down McGregor quicker than Mayweather ever wanted to. Loki gives no fucks.
He’s also a registered emotional support animal. That’s right, I have a service cat. And he’s good at what he does. Believe me when I tell you this cat has saved my life on more than one occasion. He may be an arrogant douchebag, but he’s more intuitive than you would ever believe.
This story starts around 2 o’clock in the morning, and involves an equally evil little human. My rowdy 8 year old human child was awake and crying his eyes out because he was nervous about starting a new school tomorrow. And rightfully so. I get it. It’s a big deal.
After failing to give him melatonin, coffee, Tylenol pm, and searching the local black market yellow pages for child safe heroin dealers and chloroform distributors, I had almost given up. I stepped outside to gather myself because at this point I was getting frustrated. I had decided I was going to get to enjoy the sunrise with a crying child in arms.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but Loki was outside on my roof, doing whatever it is cats do on a roof at two am. When he realized I had opened the door to his inner sanctum, he quickly descended the castle ramparts and bolted into his air conditioned palace.
I came inside a few moments later, after a cigarette, to find the 8 year old no longer crying, but asleep with Loki nuzzled up to him, and an arm wrapped tightly around the cat. Loki gave me a look that could only reasonably be translated as “Look at what I did. Nana Nana Boo-boo, bitch.”
Loki the people hating service cat never left the boy’s side, throughout the whole night. He accomplished in five minutes what took me hours to fail. Don’t let this asshole fool you. He’s the most intuitive and caring asshole I know. And clearly the superior caregiver. I was ready to use a tazer.
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