Movie Review: Ironclad 2

So we are 5 years later, and apparently Prince John signing the Magna Carta did nothing, so point for actual HISTORY here, no matter what some think, but that didn’t matter, since right now we are in some generic castle that is being attacked by generic raiders.

For some damn reason, the raiders son is able to sneak into the castle, as there is always an easy way to sneak in. He comes across the son of the Castle Lord, while the rest of the people are distracted by a single man in armor holding back the raiding army.

Let me say that again.

A SINGLE man in armor is holding back everyone, allowing the villagers to get inside for safety. Forget what I said about History before. I would think that an army of Pictish raiders could take out ONE DUDE in armor on unlevel ground. But back to the two sons fighting.

So the weakling boy does have some skills, but he soon drops on his backside to the intruder. The intruder stands over him, and a couple defenders have grabbed the comely intruder girl, and toss her over the side, enraged, the intruder goes to kill the boy, but is stopped by the Armored Man. The Intruder is defeated, and the Lord offers mercy, and the intruder gets two hacks in.

OK. Pause. He’s on his back, sword at his throat, and he’s able to get two swings in, with two warriors standing over him? Ineptness, and they should die. They kill off the boy, and thus the leader of the attacking force swears he will not leave until they take the castle. As the movie moves on, the rest of the people fuss and whine more and more about wanting to go, so the rest of the people must not be that taken with the kid.

So the idiot kid gets sent off to find his cousin, to help defend his castle. Thankfully cousin Guy is off in a Fight Club, and refuses to come help out until he gets PAYED, so all the money the kid was supposed to use to hire people goes to his cousin and his sidekick. Wait, before we leave town, we need to get a HOTCHICK and a love interest for the kid right? Bonus points for getting that in one person, and thankfully she can fight- infact she’s about to be executed for being a psychopath, but lets pick her up anyway, and get the executioner to boot.

So the merry band get to the castle, entering through the wooden servants entrance, and prepare for defense.

So how is Ironclad II Battle for Blood?

Oh lawd this is like a really bad TV sequel.

The acting has gone down, there ain’t no Paul Giamatti in this group, but we do get the woman that plays Lady Stark, and she’s not exactly front and center, even though she’s on the cover as if she’s the love interest. Typecast, I suppose. The rest of the cast does try, but there just isn’t much to go on here. This is a really weak movie, and the lack of cash is just prevalent. I hate the shaky-cam, and while historical/military inaccuracies you have to deal with on your own, here it’s just awful. This has to be the worst built castle of all time.

I do have a major problem with almost everyone in this one. No spoiler tag, because you should be getting Netflix by now, so this movie wont cost you any extra, and there are tons better stuff on there to watch.

The castle group, in addition to having built a shitty castle, have no idea why the castle was invented. The reason for a castle is to have a defensive position to outlast your enemies and make attacking it as expensive as possible. The castle is easy to get in and out of, and the attacking force is withing EASY arrow range. Holy cripe- I would think that an archer with a year’s training could drop a shaft into the leaders eye almost every scene, and then drop a dozen more before they ran out of range. Not like the attackers are wearing armor or even use basic shields.

The attacking army is no more than a few dozen that we see. No idea why Raiders are sticking around a castle instead of just taking everything from the surrounding area and move on to the next village.

If you enjoyed the last movie, skip this one. I caught this one on Netflix, and still feel robbed. I don’t care about the idiot kids arc, the love story is stupid, our Hero Redemption carries no weight and I just can’t care about anything because I don’t have too. The Warlord outside is about the only arc that tries, but gets shutdown everytime it starts to move. 3 Movie here.

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