Welcome to the Blog About Nothing. It’s the 12th of May and Sunday is Mother’s Day. The past few years, Mother’s Day, has been a difficult day for me and I’ll explain why in this blog.
Back on March 17, I posted a blog and in that blog I stated that I had two versions of it. One version I decided to keep to myself. Until now. With Mother’s Day coming up, and me feeling a way about it, I decided I might be better off letting people know why. So, let’s do this…
Recently a friend of mine lost his mother. Before her passing, he would reach out to me just to talk, because he knows that my mother is unwell, and that I’ve seen her hospitalized a handful of times these past two years. I don’t think he wanted someone to say “I understand” but I think, like all people do, he needed someone to talk to.
I’ve always prided myself as being a sympathetic ear so even though it was hard to hear my friend grapple with the fact that he was losing his mother, I did my best to be there for him. Sometimes just asking how you’re doing will go a long way with a person. It’s a question I feel I haven’t gotten enough from people close to me, so I think I’m even more sympathetic to people who need a support system.
Anyway, it messed me up when he told me that his mother passed. I’m a mama’s boy and I’ve always said that the hardest day of my life will be the day she’s no longer here with me. Then it hit me though, I’m already grieving someone who is still alive.
Before I go into that I want to tell you about another friend. This year he took a vacation to Europe with his mother, and I can’t lie: I was envious. I was envious of the fact that he can take that trip with his mother, while I cannot. It’s something I’ve always wished I could have done for my mother.
My Mom did a lot for me, and all I have ever wanted was to give back everything and more to her. Now, I’m admittedly difficult to get along with, so her and I taking a similar trip like my friend did with his mother, might have been a comedy of errors, but I would have loved nothing more than to show my mother the world.
However, that isn’t possible. My Mom is bed bound. Due to a stroke she had in July 2015 that left bleeding on the brain she is unable to walk. What I’ve made little mention of, is that before the stroke she was showing signs of dementia. Of course, the stroke only sped that up some, so my Mother isn’t really my Mother.
Well, she is. In my mind, and in my heart, she will always be the woman that I remember. She’ll always be my friend, my confidant, the person who understood me best, but it is difficult to be around her now. She barely speaks. She absolutely does not carry on conversation the way she used to, and now I just feel like I’m staring at what once was.
You have to understand, that her and I spent a lot of time together. As previously mentioned, I can be a bit difficult so there are times where I won’t say much. Not even to her, but when I did, I always looked forward to our chats. As I got older, and working, I wouldn’t say much during the week, but I always knew that on Saturdays when she was having her tea, I could sit at the table and fill her in on how was my week.
Or when we would be in the car together running our errands on the weekends. In the car, we both felt free to say what we want. My father couldn’t hear us, and my sister wasn’t around all the time. Nope, just us. That’s where we bonded. We are both a lot alike, and in those conversations, I would get glimpses into her personality, as well as my own.
All my life, I would have my mother as my sounding board. What my friends never knew, she knew. What my father could not know, she knew. I had a different relationship with her than I had with anyone, and to not have that now due to her circumstances is extremely difficult for me.
However, because of who I am, and how I was raised, I’m doing my best to just carry on and do what I need to do, but recently it hit me: I’m mourning someone who is still very much alive. I’ve been in a weird state of grief ever since I got that phone call from my cousin that my Mom had a stroke. I feel like I’ve just been stuck in that mood ever since the night of July 6, 2015.
I often look at her and say to myself that this isn’t fair. A woman who gave everything to her family, shouldn’t have to finish out her days the way that she is. She deserved more, she deserved better. While, I pray for a full recovery, I’m not a fool. I read, and I have friends who have gone through similar experiences and I know that there is no coming back from this.
All you can do is make life tolerable for the one you love, but I have to admit that I’m in grief. Yes, my Mom is alive. Yes, she’s relatively well (as well as one can be in that state, anyway), but she’ll never be what she was for me. I can’t take her anywhere. I can’t really do anything with her, and when I gave her some good news the other day she just opened her eyes, smiled, and closed them again.
No words. That is something I just have to deal with, and yes it hurts. It hurts to see my Dad struggling to take care of her. It hurts to see my sister dealing with all the things she has going on like going back to school, and having her struggles trying to reconcile everything that is happening. It hurts to speak to my friends or family sometimes. Truth be told I’ve avoided taking a few calls from time to time. However, this is my life and for her I will continue doing all that I have to do.
I just wish I had a better attitude though. Maybe putting it all in writing, and knowing people are going to read this will help. I’m tired of grieving my very much alive mother. I’m tired because I know one day, I will be grieving her when she’s not here. I pray that day is a long way away though because if I’m a mess now, I’m scared of what I’ll be when that day comes. I just hope I have a strong support system because I know I’m going to need it.
I need it now, and I am thankful for the people who have asked me how I’m doing from time to time. I need it, and I pray that if anyone ever needs me going forward, that I’m here for them. We all need someone. However, right now, I need to stop grieving. I pray that day starts today.
Thanks for reading and allowing me to share this. Thanks for the support.
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