Military Humor Vol I

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

A sailor and a marine are walking down the street. They see a kid playing with a ball of shit. The sailor says kid what are making? the kid says a sailor. The sailor says why aren’t you making a marine, the kid says DON’T HAVE ENOUGH SHIT…

An off-duty Army guy, already drunk, wanders into a bar frequented by Marines. He goes up to the bar and turns to a big, burly guy with a crew cut and says ”Hey buddy, wanna hear a joke? This dumbass Marine goes to throw a grenade, he pulls the pin and then throws the pin, still holding onto the grenade….” The Big guy leans down over the Army guy and says “Look. I AM a Marine, the guy next to me is also a Marine. The 2 guys next to you are also Marines…sure you want to tell that joke?” The Army guy counts on his fingers for a moment and says; “Nah….I don’t want to have to explain the joke 4 times….”


The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

A Marine instructor in chemical warfare asked marines in his class: Anyone knows the formula for water? Sure. That’s easy, said one recruit. What is it? H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. What?, what?? asked the instructor. H to O, explained the recruit.

You are officer material son! Semper Fi !


-When I was a young boy, my family and I were having lunch in a restaurant. After a while I had to go to the washroom. To my surprise, there was a US Marine in there, and he noticed me watching him comb his hair. I then asked him if he was a real Marine? He said of course, would you like to try on my cover? Of course I accepted immediately. Then all of a sudden, a sailor comes strolling in, and of course was taking care of business at the urinal. I said, WOW, are you a real sailor, and he said yes, and asked if I wanted to put his business back in his fly. I immediately informed him that I wasn’t a real Marine…I was just wearing his hat.

– There’s an Army guy and a Marine in the bathroom taking a leak, The Army guy zips up and starts to leave, The Marine runs to stop him and says…”You know, in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands AFTER WE PEE.” Then the Army guy says…” In the Army they teach not to pee on our hands!”

-Army and Air Force troops load onto a C-130 for a trip to another base. Kidding starts between the two groups and one Army Guy states the Air Force is for smart-asses who don’t want to work hard. One airman responds “Know what ARMY stands for? Air force Rejected Me here you all are!”

Air ForceThere are really only two branches of the service, the Army and the Navy. The Air Force is a corporation and the Marines are a cult.

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