Need a Joke? I got 7

Made it through Monday? Then you could use a laugh. Warning, some of these might be a little NSFW, but if its the worst thing you see on the Internet, then you are pretty good at cleaning out your history.

Joke I

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides

Joke II

This lady next to me says my cigarette smoke is bothering her. I’m like, “Well, it’s killing me and you don’t see me bitching about it.”

Joke III

I checked my FB today. Don’t worry, bitches are still bitching, everyone is still posting foohippie-faced pics, and attention seekers are still seeking attention. It’s business as usual.

Joke IV

The more pictures of your pet you have on Facebook, the lonelier you are. It’s science. Fuck you, it is.

Joke V

Spoiler Alert: She’s not going to fuck you so save yourself the embarrassment of “like”ing her shitty updates.

Joke VI

When pronouncing my name, the “Hey Asshole” is silent.

Joke VII

MARY was handpicked by God to bear his son,
MOSES was handpicked by God to bring the Israelites out of Egypt,
NOAH was personally asked by God to build the ark,
but the POPE is chosen by ballot box.
One of these people is an impostor.

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