Made it through Monday?
Then you could use a laugh.
Warning, some of these might be a little NSFW, but if its the worst thing you see on the Internet, then you are pretty good at cleaning out your history.
An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?” she blurts. “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors,” he replies. “Gold, silver and bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course,” says the man proudly.
“Why don’t you wear silver?” answers his wife. “It would be nice if you came second for a change!”
Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women.
“I think Southern Women are the prettiest,” one of them said.
“I think Southern women are the toughest,” said another.
The third said, “I think they’re the most polite. That’s why they don’t like group sex.”
His friends looked at him, confused. “They don’t like group sex?”
“Nope, too many thank-you notes to write.”
Quite the Stud
The handsome construction worker considered himself quite the stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment.
After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette. His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, “You may look like Mel Gibson, but you’re lousy in the sack.”
The indignant fellow replied indignantly, “I don’t see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds!”
Make Him Pay for Sex
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
“Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.
“Oh, I still love him,” she replied, “but all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it anymore.”
“Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on, it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said, “here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand, “that’ll be five times in the kitchen!”
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, “What in the world happened to you, buddy?”
The guy says “Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “what did she do?”
“She hit me with her bag of quarters!”
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. “All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he’s right too. I have no desire at all.”
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. “Those pills were great Doc, I’m doing it twice a night now.”
“That’s wonderful,” said the doctor. “What does you husband say?”
“How should I know?” she replied. “I ain’t been home yet.”
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