Made it through Monday?
Then you could use a laugh.
Warning, some of these might be a little NSFW, but if its the worst thing you see on the Internet, then you are pretty good at cleaning out your history.
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.
The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?”
The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your fucking mouth shut that does the trick.”
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a costume party?”
“Yeah,” the man answered, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protested the bartender.
“That’s right, my last four scores were seven years ago.”
Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. for the past six months. He soon complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.
Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took off her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing top his own pits, “Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!”
She responded, “It’s customary and fashionable to shave our underarms.”
They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks. He noticed that her legs are shaved also. He repeated, “Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!” Once more, she said, “It’s customary and fashionable to shave our legs.”
After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, “Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!”
She then asked in loud voice, “Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?”
Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it babe? You and me?”
As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news, “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself – and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”
For some reason, women tend to like this joke…
Three woman always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet.
All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie’s. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, “Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”
“Well,” says Sophie, ” when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”
“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.
“Honey,” says Sophie, “on a day like that, you don’t do the laundry!”
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”
The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”
She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.”
“He’s got his time down to under 40 seconds.”
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