Get ready for some LONG opening credits, I mean a TON of credits and an annoying soundtrack. It’s almost jarring, considering how quick the the EON productions are in getting going.
We arrive at a castle, where now-retired James Bond, who has been knighted, is visited by people from Mi-6, the CIA, KGB, and I’m guessing the French equivalent as well. M, who I can’t place, but the voice is driving me NUTS, have come to try and get Bond to come out of retirement to deal with SMERSH, who are this movies main baddies and are killing off secret agents. No idea why the Russians and British are both coming together on this job, but oh well. We get the story that this is the original Bond, and they have given the name and number to a new guy to keep the thought that Bond was still out there. Throughout the movie, a lot of poking at Connery is done, as well as Connery-Bond.
For some really dumb reason, M decides to shell Bonds castle, and that gets not only blows off M’s toupee, but kills him as well. Bond comes back to work, but first has to bury M, and the family has some really, really convoluted burial rites, then we also find out that M’s widow has been replaced by a SMERSH agents, as have her daughters. They are all there to tarnish Bond “celibate image”. The movie is really skirting almost a soft-core porn aspect at times, including Bond bathing with one of M’s “daughters”, but its OK, she’s 17. There is 0 chance anyone in porn has seen this movie, or there would be a knockoff of this one. Bond is so impressive at the funeral rites, that M’s widow falls in love with him. Even in a non-Eon universe, the power of Bond’s magic penis can sway any woman. She gives him his first clue, and then goes off to a convent, after a final kiss from Bond.
One thought kept going through my mind watching this one.
This is what it would be like if Mel Brooks directed a James Bond movie. I swear if Madeline Khan played Mata (you’ll get there) this could easily be a Mel Brooks movie. Having recently done Blazing Saddles, this movie ends with a monster cluster-fluck, just like that one. At times the movie tries to be a bit too goofy, and at times puts itself on hold to push the plot or to throw out a setpiece they want to do. I will say that the main baddie is damn near a joke and takes me out of the movie. The fun thing is this movie is so old- when you see Orson Wells and Woody Allen, you think its an impersonator until you realize, no- its actually them. I think this is actually the first Woody Allen movie I have ever seen.
I can’t really recommend this movie. Its an odd one however, they have 6 directors, and you can tell. I don’t know why they needed 6 directors, but they needed 6 editors more. This is a disjointed mess, and gets annoying and is REALLY LONG. Being a red-blooded male, they do throw in enough beautiful women to keep me interested, but that only goes so far. Bond movies, almost always has a sequence that should be gone. This one is no different, and to be honest, could have cut several. I’m going to give this one a 2. Its a horrid movie and should only be attempted by Mel Brooks fans or Bond fans that simply have to see them all.
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