Jokes

JokesThe graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

 

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand euros in a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!”
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,….. but all men…are men!

-=-

Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.At graduation day, Bubba didn’t have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, “Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.” Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. “Bubba,” he said, “How much is three times seven?”Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, “Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, “I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”A hush fell over the auditorium…and then the Alabama students began another chant. “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

=-=

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

-=-

 Starting a trial, a Southern small-tow prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Wilson, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Henry. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Wilson, do you know the defense attorney?’ She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Brown since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

Bear

Tiny URL for this post:
 

Comments

comments

About David Snipes 1359 Articles
Thank you for stopping by. Feel free to email me Ideas, suggestions and grape haterade.

1 Comment

  1. Some more college football jokes (changing venues somewhat):

    Every candidate for a B1G football scholarship must be tested for literacy. If the candidate cannot read or write, he is assigned to Michigan State. If the candidate can read but not write, he goes to Ohio State. If he can both read and write, he becomes a Wolverine. And this is why Michigan has had so much trouble winning games recently.

    A linebacker at Notre Dame failed English and math. The coach called in the professors of the two classes and pleaded Irish loyalty. Finally he convinced the two professors to each ask a course question. If the player got either question correct, he would maintain his academic eligibility. The first up was the English professor who asked, “Can you spell ‘coffee’? Get at least one letter right to pass.”

    The linebacker broke into a sweat and finally stuttered out, “K . . . A . . . U . . . P . . . H . . .” After a seemingly indeterminable pause, he said, “Y.”

    So it was left to the mathematics professor. He asked, “What is six plus nine?”

    After pausing to gather his intellectual strength, the linebacker finally responded, “Seventeen.”

    The coach said, “I’m going to allow that as a correct answer. After all, he only missed it by one.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*