Bond Movie Review:
When I was a kid, this was the one and only Bond I saw, I don’t remember much of it other than the awesome song, and the Eiffel Tower scene. It scarred me to the point I never touched another Bond until last year when my son wanted to watch one.
So is this awful? Is it just a bad memory? Lets find out.
This movie starts off with something odd.
Bond falls down!
Bond is, again skiing, and comes across a body of someone in the snow, quickly finding that great treasure trove of secrets, a microchip. Then he is set upon by 400,000 of the greatest soldiers of the EVIL NATION #87.
But wait, Bond actually falls DOWN! He’s back up, of course, but goes down again! He even loses a ski! Then he makes another common sense error in taking over a snowmobile and dumping his other ski, before that’s blown up. Amazing. James Bond invents snowboarding- and the F’N BEACH BOYS soundtrack pops up!
Yes, we go from Duran Duran to the Beach Boys? Bond races down the mountain, escaping the Evil Empire. Bond is then pursued by the only helicopter that is unable to hover, and is able to take it out.
Finally coming across a fake iceberg complete with HOT CHICK #1. They make sweet sweet love on the way back.
Cue the most awesome song in Bond history, View to a kill by Duran Duran.
Off to M’s office, with some heavy banter between Moneypenny and Bond, and then some British with Bond and M.
Apparently it was 003 in the snow, and there is a microchip that is able to withstand a nuclear blast he recovered, developed by an Anglo-French company, that now the Russians have their hands on, so we need to figure out how this happened. Apparently the government contractor for the super-chip is one guy, Christopher Walken. So to get in close with Walken, Bond wants to go into a Horse Auction that Walken is having, and Bond meets up with a Frenchman to discuss it. Sadly its not the Merovingian from Matrix, but still. They are at a place where some woman is signing to butterflies- seriously, and all these rich people are for some reason enthralled by this. . . really.
So, Grace Jones pops up and kills the Frenchman with a fly-fishing hook. Seriously. Grace Jones runs up the Eiffel tower then jumps of it- nice fun stunt. James Bond can’t shoot straight in this movie, just saying. Normally its the bad guys that hit every piece of metal in the world missing all flesh. This time, Bond plays a Stormtrooper. So now Bond is after Grace Jones, Christopher Walken and his crazy Blimps.
This one is terrible. I’m going to break down the issues with the four main leads in the spoilers but HOLY SHEEPDIP.
This movie is pretty much two major plotlines. One with Horse racing and one with the main plot. Neither one has anything to do with the other. Its kind of like saying I’m going to steal this car worth 20 grand, right before I takeout this Bank for 5 million. Seriously, neither has anything to do with the other, and he’s getting away with the Horse Racing Plot so completely, even though it would be easily blown in reality.
What is going on with Roger Moore’s eyes? Is he trying to spontaneously get x-ray eyes? I mean he’s getting old but DAYUM, he’s trying to bore holes in the souls of the women around him- but later on in the movie he stops, its like his eyes feel all better. Like Moore’s eyes, I’m giving this one a 2. Just a horrible movie.
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