Kull

Kull bannerMovie Review:

Kull

Boring Part.

Long story Short, the Earth was on fire due to Demons, and when they got beaten, there was a single flame left to show they still had power.

Up, time for a weenie roast.

Kull WOmenOh wait. Now there is HERCULES er Kull taking on a bunch of soldiers who don’t matter, how do we know this? If a soldier is wearing a helmet, he doesn’t matter. Might as well have on a Red Shirt. Hercules, er Kull is kicking all kinds of booty, but the head guy, again identifiable by not wearing a helmet, strolls out to face him, but tells him to drop the Ax and use a sword, cause its all Warrior and whatnot. Kull does so, but losses the battle, and the General tells him he is not ready, a messenger tells them that the King is killing all his heirs.

Note: Heirs, not kids. Not that it comes back, but just wanted to point it out.

Everyone heads off to the Castle, and the King is coated in blood and screaming. He turns on the General, but Kull is able to talk him down with some swordplay. The King tries to sneak attack Kull, who kills him, but not before the King Names him his heir. Both the General and his cousin are not happy but the Grand Vizier says the King’s word is law.

Kull quickly finds out that that is a big ‘ol lie when he tries to free the slaves or to get the main hottie concubine to love him. Apparently he’s never seen Aladdin. Kull also frees a Priest who . . . yeah, lets just say he’s more Shaolin Monk than any Priest you ever see in a Conan movie.

Tia CarrieSo the cousin goes to resurrect Tia Carrere, who is rocking the Red Hair in this one. Oh and we are not worthy. She instantly gets presented to Kull, who is looking for a Queen, and even Hercule- er Kull cannot resist the HOTNESS and marries her without even seeing all the choices, as the POWAH OF BONERS is strong with 1997 Tia Carrere. After some world rocking, Tia breathes fire into his mouth and she pretends he is dead. Hercules, er Kull wakes up, escapes and with the slave girl and the baddest Monk since Tony Shalhoub go off to find the Ice Breath to put out the Fire, I think I played this game back on the Super Nintendo.

So how is the movie?

Cheese, but good cheese. Its a decent time waster, and a solid representation of that mid-80s/early 90s gruel of Sword and Sorcery that brought us stuff like Dragon Master, Willow and the rest. Is there any reason to dig this out? Nope. Is there a reason to watch it? Of course. Its not even CLOSE to the two Conan movies it was supposed to follow up, and its TV movie quality at best, but there is a decent story behind it, and there was some solid effort. I don’t know why they spent the money on Tia Carrere and used her like this, and I really can’t see why they put Hercules, er, Kevin Sorbo here. He’s decent in the role, but someone really could have blown this movie wide open. Think Highlander. That movie dies with Kevin Sorbo in it. This movie would not have worked with Arnold either.

Don't ask
Don’t ask

I honestly don’t have a solid aim on this movie. Tia Carrere isn’t enough to really make you care, even rocking the red hair, the action is about Par for 1990-ish low budget, let me just say that I love me some Conan, and I have read a lot of Kull. I DVR’ed this one to watch with my son, and since I watch every movie twice to review it, I went ahead and threw it in to watch it before hand. I just can’t think of a single reason to watch this movie. 1.

I’m not watching this with my son. Its just not worth it, and unlike Red Sonja, its not bad enough to make comments on it as we go to make it camp worthy. I’m gonna go 2, just for Tia Carrie and the ship captain.

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