Review: The Justin Bieber Roast

 Roast of JustinThe Justin Bieber Roast

I love Roast Comedy. I am not a fan of Bieber, and I would expect that I never will be. I tend to glaze over a lot of the mess that surrounds him, thankfully my oldest daughter being too old for him, and my other two too young to even care about him, unless he’s on the Frozen soundtrack.

So Lets go down the list. I will say again, there are three factors that you have to have to be a good part of the Roast. You have to be a good target, you have to be a good sport, and you have to funny. I’ll also throw in a best line or lines of the person.

Kevin HartKevin Hart: Best line- to Martha Stewart “Put your ankle bracelet on vibrate so we don’t have any problems.” He did one hell of a job. He didn’t jam every one on the dais- pretty much concentrating on Bieber, Martha Stewart and every now and again Snoop. His intro bits were just great. Some of them fell off, but all in all a Solid A there.

Pete Davidson – some SNL guy.
OH HOLY SHIT. This guy was on point and just slayed everyone. I had to watch his set over again just to catch everything. He led off with a homerun. If you love Roast Comedy- you need to watch this segment. Greg Giraldo has passed, sadly, but this guy blew Jeselnik off the “guy I hope takes his spot” list.
Best Lines– Damn I can’t pick just one. Let me just start with his first two lines “Its an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s Dick”
“Wow, Snoop Dogg and Ludacris are here, if I was 38 I’d be freaking out right now.”
Yeah A+ I mean DAMN.

LudacrisLudacris – Did a solid job reading what was written for him. He mainly focused on Bieber, and started to really get into it toward the end. He was no storm, but for Celebrity Buddy, he also did a rock-solid job. He also took the punches really well, and that’s always a bonus.
Best Line – “I know you been on Ellen 14 times, you acted like such a pussy Ellen tried to eat you. ” B+

Natasha Leggero – In any normal night, she’s on the Leaderboard. She brought it last year, and she did is again. She kind of faded at the end with the “Its so nice for you to do this Mr/s Celebrity” but it was all gold before that.
Best Line: “All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most time” A

Shaq – Not a bad set. He nailed almost all the dais, one of the best parts is when he went after Chris Paul in the crowd and said he can borrow one of his rings. Shaq is a solid target, and should be on every roast. He’s always a good sport, and with good writing, is always welcome as a breather between the real comicss.
Best Line: “Jeff (Ross) got a body like a cafeteria lady, now Justin, I am a police officer in the city of Miami, so I am going to give it to you straight, I know its a new experience for you” A

Chris D’Elia – On some NBC show.
Decent effort, kind of had an annoying laugh. He went after all the easy targets on dais, including dropping some good ones on Jeff Ross. Most comics stay away from Ross, but he went after him.
I just never heard of him, and for a beginner, he wasn’t bad. Kevin Hart had some good crackbacks on it.
Best Line: “Snoop, cool your here, you look like Dead Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” C

Martha StewartMartha Stewart
This could be good or this could be a train wreak. But Martha just blew the doors off the place. She started with a great slow burn with a few digs, and then just went Blue and broke it off on Justin. Just was a masterpiece of how any celebrity should do a roast. Martha has also been a solid sport just laughing at everything and is a great target. Could not be happier she’s here.
Best Line– Well her best line was the whole ending, but “Snoop I see you have been following my beauty regiment, and Snoop is 43 years old, three times longer than dogs live, and twice as long as his friends live.” DAMN. A+

Jeff Ross
Now I love the Roastmaster. There has been some solid solid stuff up here so far, and he’s got a huge challenge to beat the stuff so far. Jeff has finally stopped wearing the stupid outfits. Jeff tops Shaq with the crowd shoutout- spotting Dave Chapelle. Maybe it was the clipping, but his set seemed a bit short and a bit flat. He threw some solid bombs, including one that got an audible “that’s awful” from Martha- who was a favorite target. Why he stayed away from Natasha, concentrating on her, was almost a callback to the concentration on Bea Arther. He’s always a solid foil and good for reactions. He just felt flat to me. B
Best Line: Shaq was the Original 2-chains, that’s how he came to this country.

Snoop DoggSnoop Dogg
Oh holy hell. This Roast needs to be shown to every celebrity that comes to do this, just roll Martha and Snoop on a loop. Snoop has been sitting there all night and just taking it better than anyone. Just having a ball. But holy shit. Snoop went up and just started killing. He went after Kevin Hart (I didn’t know the Muppets made clothes for a N*) and just started carpet bombing everyone from Ludacris to Natasha (Le-Ghetto) to Shaq and just hammered them all, but never went after the right side. Snoop just went hard on everyone. The only bad part was Kevin Hart trying to clown back on him and that didn’t exactly come off right. Snoop didn’t need help, but handled it well. Kevin Hart even tried to respond after the set but Snoop just killed it. This was just perfection from not just the celebrity angle, but as a comedy angle. He was so good, I want him to get his own roast. A+
Best Line:
There’s Hoes in the room
There’s Hoes in the car
There’s Hoes in the stage
There’s Hoes by the bar
(pause) N* are you a rapper or Dr Seuss?

Hannibal Buress: Never heard of him, but apparently he’s tied to breaking the Bill Cosby story.
Started off solid, with again, nailing the left side, but almost like he ran out of gas. He’s agood spacer for Justin, but a solid base hit after base hit time after time. On a normal night he would have been a great one, but not tonight. B
Best Line: I’m not saying (Natasha) is a ho, but Shaq could fit both feet in her pussy”

Ron BurgandyRON BURGANDY!
Started off terrible. I mean TERRI-BULL. He finally settled in and let it go, he went through the criminal career and defending him. Being Burgandy, he did talk a bunch about the monkey and violence. I think this might have been better with a pretape, but its better than Gilbert;s stupid animal tapes. Will did a solid job, but it went long, started badly, and was just his Burgandy act. Worst part of the night, but even THIS was pretty good. C.
Best Line: This kid has spunk, moxie, and probably a few other STDs

Justin BieberJustin Bieber

All night he’s been pretty much sitting there, not Trump bad, but pretty close. I was a bit nervous about how he going to come across here. But Holy Shit people, Justin just came up and destroyed the entire dais. He didn’t get lazy and go left to right, he skipped around and just dominated. His delivery was a little wooden, but he pulled it off as almost a gimmick. It was almost like a young comic trying to not laugh at himself but just killing the room. Toward the end he went a little introspective, something a bit out of left feild for a roast, but its better than Rosanne singing or just screaming at people. Had he been a better target, he might have been an all-timer. A+
Best Line: “My biggest regret is plowing my Mazzaratti into Jeff Ross’ Saturn. I feel really bad because I don’t know where your gonna sleep tonight.”

All-in All, this was one of the best Roast in Comedy Central History. I didn’t have high hopes going into this one, but this exceeded everything I was looking for in a Roast. I don’t know what they changed behind the scenes, but this was a major comeback. They did it right this time, no pretape videos, only one “suprise” and who is going to tell Ron F’N Burgandy no? If you like Roast Comedy, make sure you get this one. There was few misses here, and no one outright stunk.

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