Movie Review: Diamonds are Forever

Diamonds are ForverJames Bond Movie Review:
Diamonds are Forever

I never know what to expect in a Bond movie,
It’s really kind of hit or miss for me with Sean Connery. Its just kind of odd for me.

I love Connery, and he’s a much better actor when he cares, but sometimes you can kind of tell he doesn’t care. It’s almost like some movies they want him to be a baddass, when he shouldn’t be a bad ass, maybe stealth would have been better. Not so with Connery. He’d much rather just stroll into the Lion’s Den, and punch the head guy in the mouth, and then see what happens.  I have to forget that he’s the first Bond. Not to REALLY piss off the Connery Fan club and forced to turn in my Bond card, but its almost like the Star Wars films, you can’t judge the first ones (1-3) by the later ones (4-6), the spirit has changed, the world has changed. The Bondness of Bond has changed. You never think of Brosnan just whupping a dozen guys ass and just standing there afterward, you’d never think of Daniel Craig just pimpslapping some woman to get information.

Mr Wint and KiddCold Open: Bond kills Blofeld, well flush that last movie!

We get a fun little run where African Diamonds get smuggled from the mine to England- and two guys start just killing people up the trail. One of the worst ones is when they just drop a random scorpion that happens to be walking by into the back of a guy’s shirt. Dunno how the scorpion would have room to strike, and how its an instantaneous death. Those African scorpions must be mass murderers.

In a fun bit, Bond is tasked with finding out whats going on with the diamonds, since the crown is worried about a flood of product could kill the price of Diamonds.

Yup. Bond is out to protect artificially high diamond prices.

Seriously.

So the pair, who hold hands and do everything but march in a gay pride parade riding pink unicorns waving a sign that says GAY ASSASSINS INC. Anyway, the pair come to a head with Bond in the person of Tiffany Case, who is the last rung between the smuggling ring and the end destination. Since she is the first good-looking rung, this is where the story pops in.

Finally.

Jill St JohnSo Bond impersonates some dude named Peter Franks, and we get a nice shot of redhead rear, and some talking. Then the next time Bond stops by for a booty call, the real Peter Franks shows up, and we get a fight in the elevator that takes seemingly 20 minutes to go 30 feet. Bond finally wins, and slaps his ID in Franks so the Redhead thinks that he just killed Bond. Odd that there is no picture of Bond on her supercomputer. She gives Bond the Diamonds, and he tries to find the source.

So some Howard Hughes knock off has to steal diamonds to make a dish that will create a solar ray- and blow up nuclear weapons. You would think that’s all well, and good, until he decides to take out New York to make people listen to him. He vaporizes weapons in North Dakota in China in a matter of seconds, yet it takes minutes to get around to NYC. Amazing. As we learned in the classic Real Genius, you need a large spinning mirror, and you can hit anywhere on earth. Anyway. So Hughes has all this money and he has to get STOLEN diamonds? You would almost think he could buy enough. I mean the Pawn Shops in Vegas alone should be enough to fill a trailer.

Connery MoonWhats with the whole faking the moon landing, while I’m at it- how does that bust through a wall? Then out run a bunch of cars, and some useless guards on three-wheelers. I would think with all the money and guards out there, security would be just a hair tighter than an open chain-link fence, this is perfectly OK with having some random redhead in a sports car sit outside the entrance for no reason.

Back in Vegas, Bond, for the first time ever, passes up sex to go find Howard Hughes, Climbing out on the outside of the Casino is also a fun one- you can SEE THE SCREEN behind him, not to mention his shadow on it. Oh lord, this is just awful. Bond sneaks into Howard Hughes office, only to find out that  . . . dum dum dum! Blofeild is back! Bond leaves via the trick elevator, but Blofeld outsmarts him and knocks him out with gas, the ambiguously gay duo pick him up, take him out in the desert, and put a bullet in Bond- no wait, they don’t, they leave him in a pipe, and apparently none of the crew look in the pipes they are laying- pun not intended.

So Bond wakes up, and walks out of the pipe, yeah, there’s a welding machine in there, but big deal, right? The cleaner in Labyrinth is more deadly.

Bambi and ThumperNow we get some Q-shit, that’s not as entertaining as it should have been. But Bond finds out where the real Howard Hughes is. Bond gets beat up a bit by two gymnasts Bambi and Thumper- who must be on a timer- or defeated by the POWAH OF BONDPIMP, cause based on the first 2/3rds of the fight they should have beaten him to a pulp. Then we finally get Hughes- He’s a Texan! Bond hits the lab, and we FINALLY get the full plot. Use the diamonds to focus sunlight into a lazer beam, and burn the atomic weapons, unless he’s paid off. As Hughes is fussing about Blofeld taking over his empire, he notices that he doesn’t have an oil platform. Bond instantly knows that no company buys anything new, so that HAS to be where the secret base is.

SO we get the finale.

Plenty O'Toole
Plenty O’Toole

Ok. So lets talk about this one. This movie feels like its directed- or even storyboarded by a 10 year old. There are a TON of logic gaps, and the most flaming is the Car that goes up on two wheels, then comes out on the other two wheels. But there are a TON of other ones, for example in the “final battle” Blofield says that five helicopters are incoming for attack on his oil rig, but six are shown, and we see 3 destroyed, yet there are plenty left riding around. Why even show the helicopters shooting the place up? That whole business just seems random. Not to mention, they even mess up how to call a CRAPS GAME. I don’t know how to play Baccarat- but I know how to call a craps game. How does a Bond movie mess up GAMBLING? Plus people talk without moving their mouths, and stay silent when talking, and say the wrong things. IMDB has a list, if you are into that kind of thing, but you will pick out most of them as you watch it. It might sound nit-picky, but I’m not exactly watching it on a monster TV, and I notice it.
But lets get to the logic of this movie.

I could go on and on about the plot holes- but lets just take 3 more, shall we?

1. The Ambiguously Gay Duo are pretty good at killing, until they meet Bond, then they become stupid and lazy, putting Bond in a pipe in the desert? Even if the crew is used to buying people in a hole- this is just sad.  Even at the end, how does the fabulous one not know about wine? They do at least set this up earlier, but still. Just seems lazy with the bomb in the cake.

Blofeld2. Blofeld has 3 doubles killed by Bond, yet keeps letting him live. Again, its Bond, but after a bit you just kind of think, put a bullet in this guy, will you?

3. Q has something on his hand, and he’s going from Machine to Machine, playing the slots, and winning with one spin. How long you think that lasts in Vegas? Even without flipping his hand over and SHOWING IT to the Redhead, that doesn’t last long, British Intelligence or not, Q isn’t walking out of that place without a severe limp, if ever.

This is an awful movie, easily the worst of the Connery series, and holy shit is Jill St John bad. Plenty O’Toole is little more than a footnote and the Ambiguously Gay Duo start strong and get weaker, and Bambi and Thumper are just useless. I guess it was an attempt at some light T/A, but they “fight” so bad its just sad, more than funny.

Run from this movie. Solid 4 effort. 2 point for the Ambiguously Gay Duo, and 1 just because I want to see this one get the Mystery Science 2000 treatment, plus a point for Bambi and Thumper. This movie is bloated, yet the missing part of what happened to Plenty is sorely missed, and we could have skipped the whole mob part- since they just stop showing up- and and the Shady Tree part.

 

 

 

 

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About David Snipes 1329 Articles
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1 Comment

  1. I agree with you that Connery was the best Bond except perhaps for David Niven (who played Bond in the first “Casino Royale”). “Diamonds are Forever,” however, was the worst Bond Book written by Flemming. It gives the impression that the author just sat down to write one day without a clue about who his characters or plot were. This image translates well to the film!

    It is interesting to note how specific and accurate the Bond canon is in some regards, and how vague and wrong it is in others. It reminds me of Doyle’s Sherlock Homes in this regard. But both Bond and Holmes should be judged on their personality in their literary world, not on their author’s limited understanding of how the real world works.

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