Blade: House of Chithon

After covering the Blade Trilogy, My set actually has the 2 hour premier of the Spike TV Blade Series, So I figured I’d throw in a review of that show as well, and then come back tomorrow for an overall review of Blade and the series.

Blade the SeriesOk, I get a little worried when I see the Spike
see the Spike TV logo. That just kinda scares me.
Then we cut to a Russian General, or possibly a bellhop, running around. Amazing how he has nobody around him, so I’m going with bellhop.
Blade comes in and fights him, but gets killed, cause . . .Blade.

So we flip to the the main baddie, I guess.
He’s got some guy in the back of the car who keeps asking about getting “Made” and is kinda pushy about it. Are these people Italians or Vampires?
Oh well, Guy gets shot for being nosy.
Now some girl comes back from . . .war . . . and she keep having flashbacks of being in a hospital unit- Is she going to be the Hot Lips of this series?
Oh, Its her brother that was the pushy Italian guy earlier.
In the morgue, we find a tattoo on his neck. Cop says hit’s a gang symbol that we have seen before. She keeps saying he’s not a gang member, cop keeps saying yes he is, she gets belligerent that he’s not, but he shuts her up by asking how long its been since she saw him- 2 years.
Big ‘ol cup of SHUTTHEFUCKUP right there.

Now the NEWS is even saying a local gang member has been shot.
Now I don’t mean to piss of f Detroit, but I seriously doubt a dead gang guy is leading the 6-o’Clock news. Maybe its me. I’m in a MUCH smaller town, and its normally in the B block, unless its a car crash- then its right before the weather..
Anyway, Blade goes into a club.
Lets stop here, OK?
Yes, most clubs – even heavy metal ones, will let a black guy in, sorry racists, its a fact.
Some might even let a guy in wearing a trenchcoat without checking him for weapons,- no wait, no club in the world will  let that fly.
Oh, and he has a SWORD sticking out of his backpack.
And Finally, YOU CAN SEE KNIVES on his body armor- who is watching the door in this place? Ray Charles?

Blade vs ChuckAnyway, so he goes to the back of the place,where there is a girl getting a tattoo-  and HOLY SHIT! It’s CHUCK F’N LIDDELL! Oh and Bobbies when the girl he’s giving the tattoo to jumps off the table, this must be the “unrated” version. So we get ICEMAN vs BLADE- and its sounds more awesome than it is. Chuck loses and gives up information.
So we cut to Sis going to her brothers house, and and catches Blade leaving- Blade jumps down FIVE FLOORS and Sis grabs a four-inch knife and gives chase.
I’m sorry, dude jumps out a five story window and keeps going? I’m not going after him with anything short of a .50 Cal. She gets a cut on the arm, and Blade . . .smells her blood and roars a lot??
Sis shows up at the police station. who blow her off. She wants to see her brothers file- and when told told no, she says she was a Sergent in the Army- Cops says this aint the Army.
I’m sorry, I was in the Army, I know Sergeants that I wouldn’t let read the side of a cereal box to try and figure out when to put the milk in, let alone an ongoing murder investigation.

Sis pulls a fire alarm and as all the cops run out, she sneaks in and takes the file. I’m sure its that easy, right? Man no wonder Detroit has such a high crime rate. Who gets away with pulling a fire alarm at a POLICE STATION?
So Sis finds a GANG MEMBER who was arrested with her BROTHER (who remember was not a gang member) and who also has the SAME tattoo that her brother had- you know, the non-gang member one. and she tries to get information out of him, then she proves she is useless with a gun, and he gets away, but calls someone and tell them that sis might be trouble.
Sis goes to on a Google search for that tattoo, and finds an author of ta book- don’t ask- and tracks him down. He checks her wrists and her neck for a Vampire tattoo- and lets her in.
WHAO- First, would real Vampire have the tattoo, and who said it has to be on the neck or the wrist, just last movie, Ryan Reynolds had his tattoo above his crotch!.
Now the vial that she picked up from her non-gang member’ brother’s buddy he was arrested with is Vampire Ash. Street Value is a grand, 10 Grand if it was from a pureblood, and apparently using it like a drug gives you Vampire-like side effects- but most end up eating their fingers?
Ooohhh gimme some of that!
Funny bit where she asks if werewolves are real, and he name drops Marc Spector- just for us Comic Book Nerds out there.Blade the Series Villians

Leaving,  she gets carjacks on a bump-and-run, and she again proves useless with a gun, but wanders around downtown Detroit, cause that’s perfectly fine for a skinny female to do at night. She follows voices into an abandoned building- and gets attacked by two Vampires.
They tell her that her brother was meat, just like she is going to be!
Uh, no. Brother was shot- not eaten. his “meat” was wasted.
Blade shows up and we get the FIGHT SCENE!
Sis also drops a magazine of pistol shots into one of them, and he laughs it off.
She decided to reload during  the fight, and after the fight, declares she wants to join up, and pulls a gun on Blade- she is of course, useless with the gun, and gets her toy taken away. She was a Sergent in the Army by the way.

We also get a massive Data dump on Blades backstory, for those of you that missed Blade I from the friendly neighborhood professor.
The Prof does give her Blades only known address, and says he was a friend of Kris Kristofferson. OK.
Oh, let me fill you in on all the snippets of what the bad guys are doing, since we care about them and I really didn’t want to break the main storyline and now it is time to tie all this together.
Evil Cop is taking hookers off the streets and feeding them to Vampires that are hanging from the rafters in a barn. He is also robbing them for a little folding cash. Eventually the Vampires are sealed in doggie bags and put in storage, where they are used for garlic vaccines.
Yup. That’s the plan. All caught up?

So Blade wants her to slip a tracker onto the main bad guy at a ball, and then they can follow him to the hive.
She gets stupid when found out, and grabs a sniper rifle, and calls him- and spends WAY too much time talking to him and gets caught, you know, cause she’s useless with a gun.

Now something comes up here, that actually makes sense, just gnawing on someone is messy, and wasteful, so he uses a needle to get some blood out- and for some reason, turns her. Now unless this is Lincoln, Vampire Hunter- SHE CAN STILL KILL HIM. But I guess he figured out all this mess, even though so far, she has been fairly useless, she’s worth keeping. Now we get a whole thing about they can’t turn too many people- and its a theme that they don’t turn but so many people- even though just replacing their numbers they could turn 4 or 5 people just to keep the numbers level. I mean heck, Blade has killed about 8-0 so far in the series, and we are not talking about ones that just forget  to turn thier clocks back and open the windows early.
Now to I guess build tension, he THROWS HER OFF A ROOF!
I guess if the change takes, she gets to be a Vampire?
If not, then she;’s a suicide? And wasted “Meat”?
But she’s OK, and for some reason, we kind of get the feeling they are looking at making this guy a little sympathetic for some reason. I’m all for three dimensional villains, but going to a place where I feel for this guy just isn’t going to work.
So then we get the whole thing with Indians being Vampire- Uh, lets skip all this mumbo jumbo, but lets just say that its like Underworld, where  if a Vampire turns you, you get to see some of his memories.
Oh Holy Shit, Lets just pretend this isn’t here, and lets apologize to Native Americans for The Lone Ranger again.
Blade the Series costarUseless Chick is up and Vampire, and she is embracing the change, again, for some reason.
They even go on a ride-along together, but its not as much fun as Kevin Hart. They do see that the Vampire houses are now using Inra-Red to make safe houses, cause you know that won’t come back to be of use to Blade later on in the season.
Coming back, the A-Hole cop is on the floor safer fussing about being turned, and the Main Vampire goes all James Bond Villain on and leaves the useless Chick to have him as her first kill and complete the transformation.
Now we hit the go home sequence of the series
Blade and buddy comes attacking. They are able to yank Useless Chick out- but not before The Head Vampires Henchmen now is immune to garlic thanks to a wonder vaccine- attacks and fights Blade to a standstill.
It’s not a particularly good or interesting fight. The Super-Weapon that Blades Buddies have invented goes off, and to say its disappointing is like saying The Phantom Menace didn’t live up to expectations.
Blade escapes with the Useless Chick, and he reveals that her brother was working with him, so he wasn’t in the gang after all! Yay! Of course, he was in the gang, just not IN the gang, right? Of course, why was he so into getting “made” in to the first place?
Final part is the asshole Cop waking up, he sees he’s now a vampire, he’s all happy until he sees that is now in a baggie.
Needless to say, there is a LOT going on here. There are a bunch of threads here- and I didn’t go into all the stuff that they were setting up.
Lets break this one down and give some final thoughts:
The Crappy Rapper (Kirk Jones / Sticky Fingaz ) isn’t horrible, but he’s bad. REAL BAD, and considering he’s following noted thespian Wesley Snipes, it looks even worse. Blade the Series Blade
His fight scenes are not great, but passable. Again, Its a step down from Wesley, who was above average in his fight scenes.The Useless girl ( Jill Wagner )is pretty useless when it comes to doing, well anything of use. She’s nice to look at, but I have major problems when you keep pulling out a weapon and looking like a cop on his first training day. She is trying to hard to be a bad ass, yet they made her a medic in the Army?

The Villains are some of the better parts of the show, and the main baddie is fun, the Blonde baddie is pretty awesome, and I love her line about when she was turned. The rest are pretty boilerplate.

I do like the story, for all its flaws and are you kidding me moments. I’m not sure if they didn’t throw a ton of threads out there just to see if they need them later on, like the Blonde woman’s husband, the Indians and the limit on turning, etc.

I’ll give the 2-hour movie a 6 out of ten, but world building takes time.

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1 Comment

  1. OMG David, Blade without Wesley? Unviewable. A series? Oh Hell No!

    I don’t know how you can watch this stuff.

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