Movie Review: Blade Trinity
We start off with a group of Vampires, who are looking for Dracula, who they call Drake- in what might be the most annoying nickname in the franchise after calling Blade “B” all over the second movie. Drake kills one of the Vampires, but then agrees to join them. Uh, OK.
Back in Blade-Ville, the Vampires are doing the one thing that makes some kind of sense, they frame Blade for killing a Familiar- even though he’s killed over 1100 of them already. At least this one is on camera.
So the FBI attacks- this is actually pretty smart by the Vampires- as Kris Kristofferson blows himself and all the research and stuff that is so important to Blade. Uh kinda stupid if you think about it- but lets keep going.
Blade gets arrested, and questioned by the guy that played the husband in the only Fran show I ever cared about. Oh, and they are both familiars. Now we get the NightStalkers- Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel, playing Ryan Reynolds and HOT CHICK, respectively. Jessica is the daughter of Kris Kristofferson, by the way.
Oh, Blade blows of the NightStalkers- you know, he needs no help, even though he’s had help in EVERY MOVIE, and his buddy just died for the second time in the series.
Oh, the Vampires want Dracula to kill Blade and lead them and make them like him. Dracula thinks they are all pansies and have no honor. This is going to end well, right?
So the NightStalkers are tired of going after the Vampires bit by bit- so they are going to use biological warfare and wipe them all out.
We get fight 1.0 with Blade and Drake, and its hard to get behind Dracula talking about honor while dangling a baby over a ledge. Oh, and he’s FN DRACULA! Why do this whole “Honor” thing? Dracula also hates the Vampires running around now, since they . . . reasons. Yes, lets get this guy to save us all.
Oh, and Blade finds whats called the final solution, basically taking all the homeless and vagrants and putting them in doggie bags and slowly draining them. This should be considered common sense as a major Vampire clan- I mean really. Its kinda like all the grocery stores not letting me buy anything there- so I decide to live on a farm with a bunch of pigs and cows.
Naturally, Blade and Hot Chick are not there when Dracula decides to take out the NightStalkers- the capture the only star left in the movie and kill the rest, since we need to move along.
Ryan Reynolds plays smartass and gets his ass beat by Triple H and Parker Posey. This part is actually entertaining, but Blade and Jessica show up and begin to kick all kinds of ass.
Then we come down to a three on three battle, just to be lazy.
Ryan Reynolds and Triple H pair off, and the women pair off of course, and Blade and Dracula face off. The good guys go three for three and everyone’s happy, cause the Virus worked and all the Vampires melt now- unless we need a sequel.
This movie has a LOT going on, and really needed a rewrite to make it tighter, the whole Bloodbank thing should have been in the first movie, and its almost like they decided we needed to get this in there- its now or never!
I think this might have been better as two movies, you have the Day-Stalkers vs the Parker Posey group and Dracula vs Blade.
So lets breakdown the movie
The NightStalkers needed more love. I have no idea why the blind woman is a scientist. Not to be insensitive- but how is she using a microscope to develop a blood pathogen? Patton Oswalt is just one of my favorite comics. Somewhere in an alternate universe Patton Oswalt and Ryan Reynolds made the Deadpool movie we should have had.
Speaking of Ryan Reynolds, he’s actually the best thing in this movie, I can understand Wesley Snipes being upset here, since Ryan steals the show.
The Hot Chick is just there. The whole iPod thing is stupid, and her whole Hunger Games moveset is pretty lame watching it now.
Moving on to Blade. I wouldn’t have paid him his whole salary either, since he is just boring by now. Three movies in, and we know what he’s going to do. This whole I’m going to be moody- since Moody + Asshole = Badass, right? This is the guy we all paid to see, and I just don’t care about him anymore. Can we at least see him get busted up a little bit? I mean hell, even John Cena got left behind in a heap once or twice.
Parker Posey is just evil. I love her when she’s on the screen, and her plot to get Ryan Reynolds is just EVIL. I mean holy shit, that’s just evil.
Triple H is there, and he’s not bad- not great, but his Iron Grill is just so wrong it hurts the character. He just looks stupid- kinda like Jesse Ventura with all that crap on his arms in The Running Man.
The big problem?
He’s not that impressive. He’s a boring guy, he’s not scary He doesn’t care about the Vampires, he really doesn’t want to beat Blade- so why is he here? We could have done just as easily made Parker Posey the main baddie, given Ryan Reynolds a half dog/half man creature time to kill and gotten Triple H vs Blade as the final fight. Dracula takes away from this movie more than he adds to it.
So final edict on this? I still have a major problem with Blade in this one. He almost does everything he can to just be all HARD in this one, and only Ryan Reynolds is really having any fun on the good guys side. I would care more about the Villains but its almost like they told Triple H just to wear these horrible teeth and be mean-looking.
This movie is better when you are watching it than when you are thinking about it. Its a solid 7 until the credits roll, and much like that woman you took home last night, when the sun comes up, you see her for 4 she is.
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