Movie Review: Blade II
We open to a blood bank, where some of the dregs of society are donating blood for a little cash. Some dude is coughing, and being lead to a backroom for “more testing” yup, its a trap. But wait- as a vampire is ready to drain him, he reveals that he hates Vampires, and the biter becomes the Bitee.
Oh, that was fun.
We jump over to Blade. He is taking out a gang of vampires, and has really bad aim with a throwing knife. He captures the last of them, and tells him to tell him where Whistler is. He claims he doesn’t know, but bends to torture.
Blade comes to a hideout, and finds Whistler stuck in a tank, and saves him, we also get to meet Scud, whom Blade saved in Europe, and is his new weapons-maker. Whistler and Scud do not get along. *Stunner*
Ok, lets skip past the dick-measuring contest between Whistler and Scud, and the two ninja-vampires attack, as that really is just there.
The Ninja-Vamps invite Blade to come talk to their leader, and Blade wears a jacket filled with explosives just incase. Wonder what he will do with his 72 virgins? We find out that the Leader of the Vampires is scared of a new breed called a Reaper, that doesn’t have the weaknesses of current vampires- and can only be destroyed by the sun. You know, cause Vampires don’t have enough advantages. The Reapers, however, feed on Vampires, and just keep getting hungrier and hungrier. Blade gives roughly 0.0008 shits, but its pointed out that once the Reapers eat all the Vampires, they will go after the humans. Despite having no proof, Blade accepts the job, and the Vampire Leader gives Blade the Leadership job of his crew- the Bloodpack. The Ninja Vampires are part of it, of course, and the rest of them don- HOLY SHIT ITS HELLBOY! Ron F’N Perlman is in this one! Hellboy and Blade have an immediate dick-measuring contest and I will not make a racial joke but you know who wins. Blade even slaps an explosive on the back of Hellboy’s head to make sure he doesn’t betray Blade.
So Blade, Whistler, Scud and the Bloodpack go to a nightclub to see if the Reapers are going to attack it. Of course it works, and we get a fight. One of the Bloodpack gets killed, One is injured- but doesn’t tell anyone, and Scud is shown to be an idiot. Oh, and we can add the anti-coagulant needles and silver is also useless against the Reapers. Whistler was gone during the whole battle, and nearly got Scud killed – not that we would have minded – but does have a dying reaper laying on top of one of the entrances to the Reaper’s lair.
So we forgive Whistler, cause he’s old, and do the Area 51 job on the Reaper. They have a nice bit of bone around the heart- only one weak spot, just like the Dragon Smaug, where you can get to the Heart.
So the Bloodhound Gang all go in the Reaper hideout, and one of them that was bitten, goes after the semi-hot girl of the group, she kills them both by opening a manhole cover and getting the vampire suntan.
In another area, Whistler is betrayed by Hellboy and and another one, and Hellboy leaves them alone, since no one cares about Kris Kristofferson vs Hellboy – and Hellboy can’t die an hour into the movie, anyway. Whistler does kill the guy we don’t care about, so the Bloodhound gang is down 3 people- kinda nice to eliminate the people we don’t care about early.
Everybody be Kung-Fu fighting.
Blade, Whistler and Scud are all captured, and then Blade breaks out the grenade he had attached to Hellboy, but its a dud. Scud reveals that he is a familiar, since he doesn’t want to be part of the food supply when the vampires win. Blade with the comeback says he knew it all along, and the grenade goes off. It is revealed that the Vampires are creating the Reapers since they won’t have the weaknesses.
And now, the Fight Scene!
This plays out pretty much like a NES game, as Blade works his way through the levels, and we get our Hellboy vs Blade Smackdown.
Over on the other plot thread. The head Reaper confronts Daddy Vampire tries to skip out, and they argue, and the son kills the father, The HOT Vampire is all distraught over the whole thing, and allows her “brother” to bite her as well.
Blade and Damaskinos fight, and Blade stabs him in the Smaug-spot, and kills him. Then since the HOT Vampire is dying since she went all emo on us, Blade takes her outside so she can see the sunrise for the first time – in an effort to try and make us care about her, other than the fact she’s hot.
In a closing scene, Blade seals up the loose end by killing the Vampire from earlier.
So how was it?
This show had SO much potential. But kept shooting itself in the foot. Lets go down the list.
1. Scud. I hate this guy. Seriously. I HATE THIS GUY. Yo, B! How we doing B! Its not like his name is Bartholomew or Ben-Jarvis. Its just Blade. Its not that long or that hard. How is he supposed to pull this off? This dude is just a pain in the ass. I’m happy he dies. Plus how big of a dumbass is this guy? He’s also pretty useless as a weapon-maker, as his vehicle dies when he is attacking. Also, what good is he as a plant? None.
2. Kris is useless. He was turned to a vampire, then given the magic shot, then he’s ok again for the rest of the movie. Why is he here at all? We could have merged Scud and Whistler and had a much better character. A less annoying one, at least.
3. I hate the whole “Enemy of my enemy is my friend- for now” arcs. They are just stupid, unless both sides are going to be destroyed. If I have a massive population, plus an even bigger population wanting to get in, how does a tiny population become a threat? How does the Vampire stop the Reapers? Use UV lights, just like Blade and tell the familiars that the Vampire population is leaving town/area, and whomever brings a head of a Reaper, becomes a Vampire when the threat is over. Next!
So is the movie worth watching? Sure.
It’s a lot of fun, the movie moves, and by the time it ends, you are ready for it. The two biggest stumbling blocks are Scud, and you are happy when he dies, and you never really care about the Bloodpack.
So unplug your mind, sit back and enjoy this 6 movie.
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