Movie Review: Halloween 5

Halloween 5Movie Review:
Halloween 5

We get a recap of the last movie.
Michael falls down a mineshaft, and the crew de Redneck drop some dynamite, since all rednecks carry dynamite with them at all times. This blows a hole to an underground river, and Micheal escapes. He is found by an old man, who takes Michael home and puts him on a bed. Micheal lays there for a YEAR.
Yup, Michael have to wait on the bed for a year, since he can’t kill during the summer. On October 30th, 1989, Micheal wakes up, kills the old man who showed him kindness, and heads back into town. We are gonna get two killers this movie! Did they swap minds? Is Jamie wiping out a pre-school?
Nope.
The stabbing of her momma was a dream, like the series finale of Newhart, so Jamie is just in a psycho ward for kids- since every small town has one of those. Jamie is mute, so I guess the director needed a way to shut her up, but she has a spasm and seems Michael coming for her. Dr Loomis shows up and screams at her to tell him where Michael is. She is next to useless.Halloween 5 Rachel Dies
We get a few more false scares, until Michael hits the house, and we get Rachel in the shower. Nope, cheated of any nudity again. She wraps a towel around her. That doesn’t stop Micheal, and as soon as she’s dressed, Michael stabs her with some scissors. Well, so much for the fun of Halloween 4. For some reason, no one cares about Rachel anymore, even later on when BFF Tina comes over and starts looking for her, as soon as the other blonde shows up. Tina almost shouts Deuces! as Tina and the other Blonde leave.Halloween 5 Douche
Tina has a classic douche boyfriend, and he proves this fact by worrying about his car, over the hottest girl in town, plus being an ass to the guy that is slipping him free beer. As douche is backing up to get the free beer, he stops to squeeze random parts of his face, since he’s supposed to be a greasy teenager filled with angst and zits. Michael punches a hole in his car- and scratches it. I hope that was a stunt car. The douche gets out, and Michael lets all that air in his head out. Then Michael adds Grand Theft Auto to his list of crimes.

We FINALLY get to the party, and I’m going to talk a bit about the cops. The Cops are on the scene, and the kids decide to pull a prank and go running out of the house, and one guy pretends to be Michael and stabs away at her. The Cops pull their pistols out and yell, before the gag is revealed.

Ok. Think on This.Halloween 5 Tina

1) Michael has been killing people for over 2 decades.

2) Michael JUST LAST YEAR wiped out an entire police force.

3) You have a guy in a Shatner mask standing over a girl WITH A KNIFE

do you shoot or scream? I would give this movie a point if they capped the kid. Last movie someone was killed for being stupid- why not here?

One of the dumbass Cops even says “We’re not good Cops” Oh I feel safe now.

Don’t get me talking about people wearing Michael masks. I could go on a rant about how stupid this is, but people are wearing Osama Bin Ladin and John Wayne Gacy masks.

So the Blonde and the Micheal-mask wearer go have a literal roll-in-the-hay, and somehow they have sex without either actually losing any clothes. Michael shows up and kills the guy for being a dumbass clone, and then after some fun and games, kills the hot blonde. Then he kills the two cops offscreen since we don’t need to see kills in a horror movie. Halloween 5 Barn

As the Party ends, everyone leaves, and Tina goes to check out the barn and SHE SEES DEAD PEOPLE. Amazing that the Hot Blonde and the goofy store clerk are the ONLY persons at a party next to a barn to want to have sex in said Barn. Michael takes off after Tina, and Jamie shows up for no reason, along with some random kid at the psycho ward we don’t care about- but Michael now tries to chase the trio IN A CAR IN THE WOODS. I’m guessing either the writer has never been in actual woods, or they are in a really not-kept up tree farm. Micheal finally hits a tree, and for some odd reason the trio thinks that a collision with a tree at 15 miles an hour has finally killed Micheal Myers.

Um, no.

Michael grabs Jamie- but Tina saves her but gets killed (dammit) and Jamie runs off. Loomis finally shows up, and tells Micheal to go back to his house, where it all began to end it. Ackbar
Loomis and the cops try and stop Michael, but Micheal kills one cop, and then the other- yeah, two whole cops and Loomis are a “setup”. Loomis tries to talk to Micheal, but gets stabbed and that’s the end of Loomis. Jamie is able to dodge Micheal, and we do get an interesting part where Jamie is in a laundry chute- and Michael is just stabbing away at it. Jamie gets away, and we see something that would NEVER fly today, Rachel’s dog hanging from a noose. Oh, and Rachel is also dead up there. We get another face to face with Jamie and Micheal, and we actually get a TEAR from Micheal, but Jamie again escapes. Loomis shows up AGAIN and starts shooting Michael with tranquilizer darts. Micheal falls over and Loomis starts beating him with a board until the cops stop him. Kinda funny to see Loomis go all Steve Austin on Micheal Myers.

So now Myers is going to be sent to a prison, how would you like to be HIS cellmate, and some dude that we kept getting glimpses of shows up and attacks the prison, and Jamie goes inside and Micheal is gone, with the bars melted away. Roll Credits.

So the Review:
Halloween 5 LoomisCOWARDS.
Let me get that out of the way.
COWARDS.
The twist for the girl to take over the role of the “Shape” as Halloween fans like to call Myers b in a nan attempt to infuse him with personality, was a good twist, and something that would have had me coming back to 5. I would have been TICKED had I watched this in the theater. Kinda like the Later SAWs, once Jigsaw was seen more in flashback than he ever was when he was alive.
The movie attempts to not care about the mother of the little girl, and what family takes a vacation on the ONCE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of the kid going in a  psycho ward?
How is Michael just hanging out for a year? Why wait? Micheal can’t kill except on Halloween? Hell, Jason kills 24/7/365, if you take a piss in the lake.
This whole movie feels like a setup for the Man in Black, and since this isn’t a Stephen King story, I’m not sure the setup is going to be worth it. Are we going to get a fight with Michael and the Man in Black? Are the partners? Prison buddies?

Next up, I can see why we care about Tina, but she’s a friend of the foster-sister of the niece of the killer. Really?

Plus why is Loomis SUCH an asshole? He is just an asshole every second he’s on the screen. You are almost happy when he dies- no wait, he doesn’t.

For some reason, I just can’t get into Michael Myers. He doesn’t have the personality of Freddie, and he doesn’t have the fun kills that Jason does, he just kinda is a dull killer- plus due to cheapness, most of his kills are offscreen, and unless this is PSYCHO, seeing someone just jab a knife up and down doesn’t do it for me.
Yes I do understand that I’m complaining about killing human beings as “boring” but I’m a horror fan.

By the way, if you watch the excellent extras on this DVD, the actress playing the kid is FULL OF HERSELF, just saying. The commentary track is next to useless, but that’s about par when you have the director who won’t explain much, and two actresses who apparently haven’t seen the movie since they were in it. This is a major step down for the COWARDS – 3

 

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