Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

H20 PosterNo, I’m not going to do a Halloween review, but after all the crappy Zombie Movies that I have subjected myself too, I wanted to watch some modern stuff, so looking on my DVR, I figured I’d take a look at this one. I love me some Jamie Lee Curtis, so I thought I’d look at this one. Personally I feel that Halloween is the lesser of the BIG THREE slashers, but lets see if this one changes my mind, as I don’t think I have seen it.

 

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

Its around sunset, 1998 #TIMESTAMP

A nurse comes home, with an unlit cigarette- and sees her outside house light is out. Cue Cliche Creaky Door.
She goes next door to find a couple boys playing hockey, keep in mind there isn’t a speck of snow on the ground, she asks them to go take a look inside. Holy Crap! She has Robin living next door! Hopefully if Michael Myers speaks, he sounds better than Bane. They call the cops. Robin says they will be there in 15 minutes. He goes to look in the house, he wanders around- and takes beer from the fridge. Door closes and he gets all panicky.
He leaves and its almost pitch black. He reports all clear, but they “did a number on her office” Nurse goes inside, and now the lights don’t work. The two goofs declare they have beer- remember when beer was a big deal for teens? Turns out they broke the glass by egging the house- even though there was no egg on the lamp, not like you can hide that (I plead the fifth). She finds her office destroyed, and we see Laurie’s file, meaning the HOTNESS that is Jamie Lee Curtis is in this one! She runs next door, and we see the twin douches are dead- Robin has an ice skate stuck in his head.
H20 RobinNow Michael Myers finally shows up, as do the cops, so that has to be like 3 hours later. She screams, and they talk about her being the now-dead Dr Loomis’ nurse. The nurse actually gets a few licks in, and breaks a window. The Cops don’t hear that either, and Micheal kills her in a nice throat slash. The cops see the broken glass, and a car drives off. Cops don’t notice THAT of course.
The next MORNING more cops are there. We talk more of Dr Loomis. We find out that Michael is only 26.

Hang on. Michael was 6 back in 63 when he killed his sister- its 1998- that would make him 35 years ago, not 20. That makes Myers 41 now. The cop says he was 15 when that happens – so he’s 56. Will we get him saying “I’m too old for this shit?” Oh by the way, none of this matters the rest of this movie, and none of these people show up again.

Also, I am now the same age as Myers is in this movie. Jamie Lee Curtis is what? 51 in this movie? Please let my wife be this HOT at 50.

Credits

Jamie Lee Curtis has a nightmare, in bed. Josh Harnett wakes her up, then the next day he becomes an asshole and we get talking. Josh Harnett wants to go camping. JLC doesn’t want him to.

Scene: We get a scary scene at a roadside restroom. Yup, spiders. Long story short, Myers swipes a car. GRAND THEFT AUTO: HALLOWEEN coming this Christmas! (Pre-order now from Gameshop for downloadable Clown Car)

Scene: We get Jamie Lee Curtis giving the rules and regulations for the camping trip. Her horny kid and his 3 dull friends make jokes. She also gets her groove on with THAT GUY I KNOW FROM SOMEWHERE.

Mother and Daughter
Mother and Daughter

Scene: LL Cool J ruins his street rep by having phone sex. Nope, sorry, he’s a writer. He’s a whupped writer, but still. Josh Harnett convinces LL to let him skip out.

Scene: Josh and douche friend are talking about Jamie Lee being an alcoholic. She is getting her drink on with her man. Josh get all upset with mom when they meet up, and she drives him back to school, she gives LL a mean look as they pass by. Like its hard to sneak past a gate with an obvious open switch.

Scene: The cute dumb blonde gets a jump scare from Josh, who somehow found flowers even thought they were in town for 10 seconds. he gets points from the Hot Chick, and they goto class. Taught by his mom, of course, and they talk Frankenstein. Jamie Lee misses the obvious parallels between herself and Dr Frankenstein, even though its SPELLED OUT to her. Josh Harnetts hot chick sees Myers out in the woods.

Scene: LL Cool J reading more porn to his girl. We get jump scares for everyone.

Scene: Jamie Lee Curtis reveals her real name to her boyfriend, killing the mood. She explains the whole thing. Backing the date to 78. She uses it to explain why she drinks on Halloween. She realizes that Myers escaped on her 17th birthday, and John Harnett is now 17.
Jamie Lee Curtis becomes Linda Hamilton from T2, and becomes a pistol-packing hot mama and yes, she is “Going to Find John” I’m gonna keep calling him Josh Harnett.

Scene: Back at the house, we get more jump scares, and the Douche Friend goes looking for a corkscrew, and I’m just waiting for that dumbwaiter to get used as a murder tool. Kinda getting sick of it. Myers confronts him, and we skip over to the hot chick. Myers sends the guy down with a cut throat, and she goes back up when he attacks her- she is just wounded. Josh Harnett is having sexy-time with his girl, but must have lit 100 candles. They hear a noise, and actually say they are going to check on those guys. Myers catches up to the girl, and finishes her off – boring knife going up and down.

h20 douche rowI feel CSI has done some damage to slasher films. There is no castoff, no splatter, the knife never gets stuck or hits bone.

Josh Harnett and the hot chick find the other girls blood trail. They decide to run.

Myers catches them. He grabs the girl, and Harnett punches him twice. Myers pushes him down, and stabs him in the leg. The girl GRABS A ROCK and smacks him in the head with it. Yeah! GirlPower! Instead of finishing Shatner off, they run.

Ok, I’m gonna say this again.

If I hit you, and you remain standing. RUN.
If I hit you and you go down. I’m gonna keep hitting you.

Ok, so they finally meet up with Jamie Lee, and we get a face to face (through a door) of Brother and Sister.H20 face to face

Jamie Lee throws her son and his Girl in a room, tells them to barricade it. Then the unarmed Boyfriend and Jamie Lee walk down a few feet, and Jamie Lee trying to get rid of her Boy. Why not throw him in the room to maybe- but a dressing on the leg that has been bleeding for a good 10 minutes?

So someone who is OBVIOUSLY not Michael Myers comes from the end of the hall. The Boyfriend grabs the gun- and misses 3 of 5 shots high. Here’s a hint guys. If the GIRL owns the gun- LET HER SHOOT. I’m ex-military, I haven’t fired a pistol in 20 years as of this writing. If I’m over at a woman’s house who is the sister of an insane murderer, and she pulls a gun out from under her pillow- I AM NOT TAKING IT AWAY FROM HER. I’m sure that expert medal memory might come back, but I’ll trust her to be a little better at it right now. Especially with her OWN GUN.

Yup, he capped LL. Who never screamed or dropped after the first shot, so apparently the last shot got him? The Boyfriend does not get to enjoy his new street cred, as Micheal kills him. Jamie Lee pops him with a fire extinguisher, and grabs the kids. Barricading the door means apparently just closing it. They run for the CAR THAT WON’T START- then it does. Then they race to the gate. For some reason they don’t need LL to open it. Jamie grabs a rock and smashes the gate controls. Uh Myers didn’t need that to get in, and how are the cops and ambulance you just sent the kids to go get going to get in? Jamie grabs an AXE and goes after Michael. IT’S ON!

Michael drops in behind her and they hit each other. Jamie get cut in the arm, and takes off. Jamie stabs Michael with the California State flag. For some reason I find that funny. Jamie surprises Michael and goes to stabbing- Family style. Myers falls over a balcony and through the ONE TABLE he didn’t flip over earlier. Jamie staggers down stars (from a cut on the arm) and pulls the knife from Michael, and goes to stab him some more. LL shows up and stops her, cause he’s stupid.

Myers is in a bodybag, and LL is stupidly talking about writing about this in a book.

Jamie takes a gun, and steals the body. And takes off. Myers is trying to get out of that heavy leather bag. For some reason there is a zipper in the inside of a body bag. And she slams on the brakes throwing him out. She then tries to run him over sending the van down a hill.

Whoa ho ho Van on Fire. Thankfully Jamie Lee stole the one self-extinquishing van in the tri-state area.

Jamie Lee finds an Axe out in the middle of nowhere. Well, it worked so well last time. Myers is pinned under the van. Jamie decapitates Myers in one swing and then we roll credits.

So how is the movie?H20 End

This is not a good Halloween movie. Its a whole lot of talking, a whole lot of people being assholes, and after the first three kills, there is a TON of dead time with just too many jump scares. It gets annoying.

How many dead? Well, we have 2 offscreen then the nurse, then the two offscreen of the douche friends, then we have LL getting shot, then the Boyfriend on screen, and Michael himself.
We only see 3 kills, one by Michael, Boyfriend and Jamie Lee Curtis. Even including the four offscreen, this is a low count, plus you can take one away when LL comes back to life!
Lets talk LL. He gets shot. There is a pool of blood, and he has a very thin wrap on at the end? Whaaa? Head wounds do bleed like a mother-fucker, but they don’t just stop bleeding. Trust me, look at my facebook picture. That whole part just looks stupid. There is no real damage, just a ton of blood when you look at the body.

So we have a LOW body count, basically 2 kills onscreen, no nudity AT ALL, not even from the legend Jamie Lee Curtis, and almost an hour of talking, and a whole lot of attempted jump scares. Bad Bad movie. I really think we could have cut out the whole Jamie Lee Curtis is a bad mom bit, given us Michael killing people at the roadside stops, (and how about how he survive part 2) then we would have had a solid movie. This movie needed a re-write.

Grade 4. For Halloween Fans only.

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