Zombie Movie Review: Teenage Zombies

Teenage Zombies 2Teenage Zombies

This movie SUCKS. I mean Really. I know looking at Zombie Movies on a multipack is going to get me some bad movies, but HOLY SHIT this is an awful movie.
I honestly think everyone reading this should comment and share a thank you, just to spread the word that this movie just REEKS.

Oh, we need to do a plot?

Damn.

Teenage Zombie Malt shopOk, These four asshole kids go water-skiing, and promise to go pickup another pair of assholes kids after the boy gets done working. The head Ass, says there is an island out on the middle of the lake, and they are going to have lunch there. Instead of eating on the beach, they go exploring, and come across a house, where a bad actress giving a Joan Crawford impression tells them there is nothing to see here, move along. They leave, and the boat is gone! WTF? They go wandering around, but Joan Crawford has a shuffling man throw them into a jail cell. Yeah. We get a whole lot of nothing. We have a TON of debating should the guys, who happen to be in the cell with A BROKEN LOCK, should bust the girls out, or go find the boat, then come back and get the girls. Seriously. We kill 5 minutes on this plot point. I means nothing, of course, but still.  The Backup Pair go to the island, and get the same thing from Joan Crawford, but they have a staring contest with 2 guys on a boat- yes the third boat going to this deserted island. The backup kids finally convince the Sheriff,  to go to the island and see whats going on. ITS A TWIST! The sheriff is in league with Joan Crawford. The Cop decides that this is getting too deep for him- dropping off Bums is fine, but kids with families? That’s too much. So the Bad Man shoots the Cop, so that’s part of the cast gone.
Dr MyraHoly Cripe we get some boring talking and fighting. In what world does 3 highschool football-men not beat two guys in their 40s when they have the element of surprise? Then we get a convoluted sequence where the girls are Zombied, then Joan Crawford is Zombied since that makes her suggestible, only it doesn’t work, then they give her a potion that reveres it, then a  . . GORILLA attacks then we all jump in the boat and race off to safety.
Yup.

Ok, lets go through some issues.
1. Where are the Zombies? This is a Scientist making a mind-wipe gas and/or potion to attack the US with. There is NO ZOMBIES. The girls are “Zombies” for maybe 5 minutes. The shuffling man isn’t really doing much either.
2. The Gorilla that’s on the poster, you don’t even know its a Gorilla, and its so dark, you have no idea whats going on.
3. There is WAAAY to much filler in this movie, and you can tell. Why do I have 2 minutes of people sitting in a boat looking? Why do I have closeups off all 4 character’s shoes as they walk? Etc.
4. The movies takes a shit for so long, then we get a MASSIVE Data dump at the end, and then quits.

And I’m quitting. Just take your 0 for your shitty movie and burn in hell. Avoid at all costs. There is nothing about this movie. I have no idea why this is considered a Zombie Movie, as nothing rises from the grave, and its a Nazi-ish group trying to attack the US with chemicals.

I wish they had worked more on the plot as they did on just an awesome movie poster. Teenage Zombies

You know what I kept thinking of when watching the end?

Scooby-Doo. I almost expected to see Joan Crawford say “I would have gotten away with it if not for you meddlin kids!”

And I HATE Scooby Doo.

I Hate this movie.

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About David Snipes 1359 Articles
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3 Comments

  1. Your review brought me back to a time that I saw one of the worst movies I ever saw…

    When I was a boy… going to a move meant mom gave me a dollar.. took the bus 15 cents… got a ticket to get in 25 cents for a double feature and a cartoon, maybe 2… popcorn 15 cents… soda 10 cents… trip home another 15 cents.. and, if, I was lucky I got to keep the change…

    Buttt… I really digress.. anyway… back in them days, I saw a second movie of one of them double features and it was called… ya know what? … I forget what it was called it was that bad!. I walked out and never ever saw it…

    The first feature, hoewever, was another piece of drek called “Teenagers from Outer Space”.

  2. I’m a sucker for mutil-DVD packs, and considering I watch a lot of movies while doing dishes or cleaning house or cooking, I can survive a lot of this crap.

    When I was young, my Sister used to drop me off at the Metro-Plex, and I would go to a movie, kill time playing games at the arcade, go see another movie and then she would be there to get me. Might be the best possible way to spend a Saturday before you discover girls.

  3. And here I thought there was nothing that could surpass “The Undead” as the shittiest movie on Earth. Thank you for taking one for the team.

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