A British sub has vanished without a trace, and Bond is England’s top man- so he’s called away from a snow-bunny to find it. A bunch of people then try to kill Bond as he’s trying to ski down the slope, we get a huge ad for skiing before Bond uses one of his ski-poles as a gun and blows a hole in one of the guys, and then skis off a cliff- before deploying a parachute to safety. Apparently the rest of the assassins forgot to bring guns to a ski-fight. M figures out there is a submarine tracking system that lead to the capture. No idea how the sub is captured, though.
Meanwhile in Russia, we find out that a Russian sub is gone as well, and the Russians also send their top agent. Who pulls a mean trick of being a HOT FEMALE, to find the sub. She finds out that her lover was killed by the British Secret Service. Guess who?
I will say I prefer this Agent XXX over Vin Diesel’s XXX.
Then we meet the villain of the picture,Karl Stromberg, who not only dumps his secretary to the shark for trying to sell the tracking system, but then kills the two men who helped develop it. One of the men looks like Leonard Maltin, just throwing that out there.
Bond goes to Cairo to meet with a man who has the plans, and gets into a fight with one of Stromberg’s henchmen, and in an awesome move, Bond has him balancing on a rooftop, then slaps his hand away from Bonds tie, allowing the man to fall. That’s just cold blooded. At a – I guess they are selling time shares to the Pyramids, we get the other Henchmen, JAWS, Oh yeah, who bites through a chain, and kills the man who knows who has the microfilm, and I guess he goes all Vampire on Fekkish, and kills him. Agent XXX also meets up with Bond, and Bond beats up on her Henchmen, and pimpwalks off.
At a club, XXX and Bond meet up again, and show off how smart they are by knowing what the other drinks. Kind of impressive scene that most movies wont do. Bond finds the man that was selling the microfilm picture of the tracking system. For some odd reason as Bond and XXX was going to try and buy the microfilm, he is called off to the phone, because we always have to take a phone call in international trade negotiations, and JAWS kills the man for being stupid. Bond sees JAWS run off, and takes after him. JAWS is so slow, that even XXX is able to jump in the van as JAWS drives off.
The next morning, yes, the Van drives ALL NIGHT, Bond and XXX try and be all sneaky and follow JAWS around some ruins. They take forever, and Jaws tries to throw some rocks on him. He then stupidly attacks, even though Bond almost breaks his hand on his jaw. XXX pulls a gun on them both, and takes the microfilm, as Jaws knocks some scaffolding down around him. XXX is trying to leave, but Bond has the keys, as they attempt to get away, JAWS rips off part of the roof, the front quarter-panel, one of the rear doors, and even a good chunk of the side of the van- basically anything unimportant in stopping a van. Apparently Russian Spies don’t learn how to drive a stick, but they get away anyway. XXX whines about being cold, but when Bond asks what he can do, she brags about doing a Siberian Survival course.
Bond and XXX play kissy-face, but when XXX pulls out a cigarette, she gasses him, Red Skull style. M would be ashamed at how obvious the fake cigarette looks.
Bond wakes up and goes into a secret base, where the Russians are waiting on him. We have a pooling of resources with the Anglo-Russian alliance. The microfilm is useless, as most of the good stuff is taken out. We do get a fun Dick-Measuring contest, as XXX and Bond try to out-do each other. On the train ride over to Sardinia, JAWS attacks, and Bond and XXX finally get to do what it do. Q meets them there with a car, but Bond blows him off and takes off. Funny bit when Bond and XXX get to the hotel and Moneypenny got them a suite with 2 bedrooms.
Next Bond meets Stromberg, who knows that they are Bond and XXX. Stromberg does show them his newest ship, the biggest tanker in the world. After they leave, we get 3 chase scenes to kill time, with a motorcycle, JAWS in a car, and finally the HOT helicopter pilot tries to take them out. After diving into the ocean with the car- that turns out to be a submarine as well, Bond shoots a missile at the helicopter, and we have our second exploding helicopter of the movie. The music changes again, so that must mean more bad guys! Bond actually RUNS OVER A GUY in the submersible car, and they bust out the inkjet to get away.
XXX finds out that Bond killed her lover. He doesn’t apologize for it, and XXX says she will kill him when they are done. SMELL THE TENSION, well no, not really. Now they are on a US sub, apparently the British only had the one.
Now we find out how the subs are being captured, somehow they lose power, then the supertanker swallows them up in a move that look like Transformers. Then a hole is punched in, and threat of cyanide gas makes them abandon the sub. XXX tries to hide all that hair under a hat, and of course they are discovered. You would almost think it would make more sense for them to hide on the sub instead.
Now we get the plan. Stromberg has two crews on the two subs, and they will fire nukes at Moscow and New York, triggering WW3, and then he will rule the world from the sea. Bond asks him how much to not fire those missiles, Stromberg says he is doing it to save humanity. Stromberg puts Bond in with the sailors he has captured, but his penis makes him take XXX with him to his base.
Stromberg is barely out of sight when Bond takes out his captors, and defeats several Stormtroopers and frees the crews, as the sailors (and just for fun, the Americans are in Blue, English in White and the Russians are in Black) counter attack the Stromberg crew (in Red) we get the 70s pimp music in the score as well. Since the only weapons they carry are hand grenades and machine guns, the next 20 minutes are directed by Micheal Bay.
After some way too complicated fighting to get the detonator from the nuke to blow open the command center door, Bond sends a command to the two subs to blow up each other, and for some reason, hang on, we need a list.
1. The captain tells Stromberg that he is under attack, but never tells the two ship captains to ignore anything following.
2. No captain on the submarine has a MAP to check his new co-ordinates.
3. Each captain knows they are going to nuke NY and Moscow, exactly what target changes would make for better targets?
4. No encryption needed for the subs, and considering these were British and Russian subs, no need for any translation there from the Americans.
So Q has sent Bond a Jetski, and even though the “Security Council” has said they are to blow Stromberg’s base out of the water, Bond wants one hour to save XXX. You would think airstrikes would be the thing, but OK.
We get a real anticlimactic showdown, where Bond just caps Stromberg, then uses an electromagnet to drop JAWS in the shark tank. Both battles are a bit lame. JAWS, of course, bites the shark and takes it out.
So in the escape pod, XXX pulls a gun, but relents to Bond’s charm, and they make sweet love as they are picked up by the fleet.
Oh and JAWS lives too.
So how is the movie?
To be honest, I enjoyed it. I never for a minutes enjoy the whole Bond/XXX lovefest, but I did sit though 3 movies of Anakin Skywalker and Natalie Portman, so its not the worst, but the action does move along at a brisk page, and never really gets boring, plus until the end we don’t get overly complicated. I must say this is one of the Better Bonds, since you could see most of this happening and someone surviving most of what Bond does.
The only real bad parts of this movie is Barbara Bach is utterly stiff as an actress, and that’s not a good thing. Holy Shit is she bad. Compared to that, the bad “boss Battle” is relatively mild, but has to be said. Stromberg is easily one of the weaker villains, but watching Bond, that’s becoming normal.
Oh, and JAWS survives. You pretty much have to see this to get your JAWS fix, and Roger Moore is stiff, but he’s British, so thats ok. He does look pretty silly on the Jetski, but its the goofy stuff that makes Bond, Bond. I’m going to go a solid 6 on this one, I’m really starting to like the Moore ones.
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