We jump right into . . a Wedding? Whoa, nope, its Felix Leiter who is getting married, and James, and another guy that doesn’t matter but plays a black cop in other movies, are in the limo racing to the wedding. A helicopter pulls them over and tells them that they have a lead on a major drug-kingpin, so they take off.
James Bond must be like the ultimate guy to throw a bachelor party, right?
Anyway, we flip over to – it’s the guy from the Goonies! He’s caught his woman with another man, and he tells his goons to cut out his heart and give it to her, and spanks her with a Stingray spike.
Bond and Buddies attack, and even though 18,974 rounds are shot out, no one is hit, and Sanchez gets away in a plane. But that’s no match for the DEA helicopter. Not only does the helicopter catch up on the plane, it also is able to sneak up on it and match speed long enough for Bond to attach a cable to it and capture it. The plane just gives up and just hangs there. Seriously. Bond and Felix parachute out over the church and the wedding goes on as planned.
License to Kill
Weddings in a Bond movie, or, heck lets just make a rule – If there is a guy holding a gun on the movie poster, and there is a wedding scene before the opening credits, then there is ZERO chance the happy couple make it to their golden anniversary.
Sanchez is carried off, and promises whomever can free him will get 2 Million Dollars. One of the DEA agents takes him up on the offer, knocking the driver out and driving the truck off that huge bridge that connects the Florida keys. There are scuba people waiting, and Sanchez escapes. Pretty interesting rescue, to be honest.
Felix is fed to the sharks, and his new wife is killed. Well, we find out that Felix only lost a leg, kind of a ripoff here in my mind, since he doesn’t come back this movie, and, who throws a guy in a shark tank- then lets him out? Not like it takes long to bleed out.
Bond finds out that Sachez escapes, finds the bodies, since Sanchez was nice enough to take Felix and Della to the house so they could die there. But seriously, was Felix that important? Its not like Bond needs a sidekick, he’s got Black Cop there, and unless Peg-Leg-Pete is a big deal in the books, or, he shows in the finale, I don’t get it. Not like he gives Bond big info either.
Bond is able to track down Killifer, the DEA agent that freed Sanchez, who not only isn’t smart enough to skip the country, but is still hanging out at the same place where the Shark Tank is. Fun part where Bond dumps one of the minor guys into a tank full of maggots. Uh, that’s not going to do anything- maggots don’t kill.
Killifer is dangling over the tank, and Bond throws the 2M at him, causing him to fall into the tank. Bond and his sidekick just stand there as he is killed, since they are not nice like Sanchez to just let him lose a leg.
Bond and M meet up. M is a ass, and, says that Bond is needed over in Istanbul for an assignment. Bond says its personal, and M just has his “give a damn” busted. Bond quits, and M pulls his License to Kill, since we need a title.
What does a License to Kill look like? If he shoots someone, do the cops have a way to run that like a DMV background check, and if it is all clear, they have to let him go?
If my wife and I are walking across the street, and Bond is shooting at a bad guy, and she gets capped and I somehow grab Bond, and the cops show up, Bond whips out his License, and the cops are just going to tell me, whoops sorry, he gets to do that, have a nice day, sorry for your loss.
Can I still sue the British Government in a civil trial like OJ?
Does Obama have a License to kill? Did Dick Cheney? Is that why he got away with capping that guy on the Bird Hunt?
Anyway, Bond quits, turns in his License to Kill, runs away since M says he can’t quit, and, the M henchmen SHOOT AT BOND! Do they have licenses too? How many of these Licenses are floating around?
The M guys have Stormtrooper disease as well, so Bond escapes, and goes after the guy from the Goonies.
This time, its personal.
So now, Bond finds one of the subs that Sanchez has, and not only does he sneak aboard the sub, evading the guards who are roaming the hallways instead of, you know, watching the underwater entry-point. Black Cop has been caught by the Sanchez henchmen and he’s been killed. By the way, when he’s first shown, he just looks knocked out. 2 seconds later, there is blood on his shirt. Whoops. Damn, no sidekick. We need a woman here, right? Sanchez’s main woman is on board, getting hit on by the Sanchez henchman, and even though WE KNOW SHE’S A HO, turns him down. Bond sneaks in, and then, oddly enough, is unable to uh, sneak in. (wink wink) No explanation is given as to why the Ho is on board, or exactly why Bond is here. He doesn’t take it over or even reduce Sanchez’s army.
We get a fun little segment where Bond attempts to escape and gets attacked by a dozen guys in scuba gear, but is able to escape by shooting his speargun at a seaplane that is taking off with the drugs. Climbing aboard he takes over the plane and has 5 million dollars to retire on.
Bond goes back to Felix’s office and finds a list of people that can help him all day. He sorts the list by Female, Hot and picks out Pam Bouvier, apparently the Hot Simpson Sister. He arranges to meet her at a dive bar on the edge of town that services boats.
Hey, its the DA Chick from Law and Order! No not the Hot Blonde one, the short haired one with the weird eyes that waffled between being a toady and a wet blanket. Yeah, Her.
They try and do a whole “she’s bad ass on her own” including a funny bit where Bond pulls out his handgun, and she smirks and shows off a shotgun she has. So in comes . . DEL TORO!! He sits down and gets all angry with Bond. Much cock-measuring goes on, then the fight breaks out. I instantly have the biggest laugh I’ve ever had in a Bond movie.
Pam is HOLDING A SHOTGUN and Bond needs help, so while STILL HOLDING A SHOTGUN she reaches over and grabs a bottle with the hand not HOLDING A SHOTGUN and brains the guy to help Bond. Did I mention she is HOLDING A SHOTGUN? She even has her finger on the trigger while smacking the guy. So they escape, and while Pam is jumping for the boat, she is shot in back. Yes, a bad guy actually hits someone- don’t worry she is wearing a Kevlar bra, so she’s ok. Was that product placement for Kevlar?
Q shows up, he isn’t allowed to help Bond, but he is on vacation, so he’s helping him anyway. Love that. Based on thier previous relationship you half expect Q to start beating Bond over the head with broken car parts and laughing hysterically.
So, with Pam and Q, Bond worms his way to … I’m guessing the stand-in for Cuba/Banana Republic … Isthmus City. Bond decides to try to get into Sanchez’s inner circle. Why? No idea. At least he does try to get in a nice and easy sniper-round to the head, until that’s foiled by dumbass Hong Kong agents and another Double-0 agent who is sent to bring Bond home. Sanchez saves Bond, and Bonds say they were a hit squad coming to get Sanchez. Sanchez buys it. Bond has his IN.
The sub is back, and Bond puts the money he stole from Sanchez in the decompression chamber, where Sanchez finds it, and thinks Krest is the guy trying to kill him. Sanchez puts Krest in the chamber, and then kills him with it by turning the pressure all the way up, then opening it with an axe. Just nasty.
This is a LONG movie.
Ok, so we find out what the whole scheme is, mix gas and cocaine together, that way you get it past the DEA, and then . . . strain it when you get it to your home base? I dunno. I didn’t know Columbia/Cuba had massive gas refineries. Plus this dude has a MOUNTAIN with a lab in it to take the gas off. I guess if you are doing that much coke, getting a little extra high off huffing gas isn’t going to matter.
The movie remembers that DEL TORO is on the call sheet, so he comes back in during the tour, and he remembers Bond, and outs him.
Whoa! Bond already TOLD SANCHEZ HE WORKED FOR THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT.
Sanchez KNOWS and is ok with this. I don’t get the whole setup Bond as your buddy thing, then it gets blow by, oh yeah, I saw this dude in a bar once with the chick from Law and Order.
Ok, so Bond starts a fight, he throws chemicals around the lab, for some reason they have really bad fire protection, since they are working with – you know tanker trucks full of GAS. I’ve been in high school chemistry classes that have better fire suppression systems than this multi-BILLION dollar setup.
Sanchez escapes, DEL TORO gets killed by Pam and Bond in a stupid setup, Sanchez kills more guys on the word of Bond – even though this guy is stupid anyway, and yes, I am not going to say a word about WAYNE F’N NEWTON, deal with it.
So we hit the go home button and we have a long sequence where Bond.
A) Has to escape the sealed Mountain that’s on Fire.
B) Chase down and stop 5 tanker trucks filled with gas going . . . away?
C) Capture the guy that has all of bearer bonds that have like half a BILLION in Asian drug cartels money.
D) Have a dick-measuring contest with Wayne Newton
E) Kill Sanchez
F) Nail Pam.
This is what we’ve been waiting for people, we get out of the mountain, when Sanchez spikes the guy Bond setup with a forklift and sends it through a wall. Ok.
Sanchez also takes out C for us, even though this poor sap has done nothing wrong but try and save Sanchez from being a dumbass. Kinda feel for this guy. You gotta think if this guy was Hispanic, we’d all be drug mules.
So Bond takes over a tanker truck and goes after Sanchez, and those Stinger Missiles that no one really cared about for the entire movie get called back. Namely, they are used to blow up tanker trucks filled with gas. No, I checked, Michael Bay had nothing to do with this movie.
There is some really good stunts done here. Its just really well done, but to be honest with you, its almost too much. Maybe had we gotten 3 trucks and cut down on just the boom boom all the time.
We finally get the Mano-a-Mano fight, and Sanchez goes back to his roots and goes to hack Bond with a machete. Not being Danny Trejo, he stinks at it. Bond then asks Sanchez if he wants to know why he did all this, and that stops Sanchez, drug supplier to the world, wonders why, and Bond shows the cigarette lighter he got from Felix at the wedding, and sets a gas soaked Sanchez on fire – that not being enough, he staggers to the last tanker and BOOM one more time.
Later Bond is at a party. The Hispanic Ho makes a pass at him again, and he shrugs her off and goes back to Pam to complete part E, and oh by the way, he has his job back. Yay!
Don’t feel bad, Lupe is fixed up with the dictator for life El Presidente of Banana Republic.
This movie is LONG, and there is a TON of stuff going on. This feels like a Miami Vice crossed with a Liam Neeson movie with a Bond movie. Its almost too much. I don’t care about Felix since there is no real history here, the whole License revoked plotline means next to nothing since other than a British guy being there wanting to take Bond back homeit s irrelevant. Pam does nothing for me, but its a Bond chick. The whole Wayne Newton and Stinger subplot can go away.
The good thing? It kinda works. I want more of what I didn’t get, and less of what I did get, but I’m never bored. I’m a little frustrated, little waiting to go, but to be honest with you, I watched this with my son, who is for some reason becoming a Bond fan, and we enjoyed it.
There is a good thing about Bond being PG-13, I can watch it with him and not worry about the go-go dancer in the club. Its a PG-13 strip-club.
This has also given me the biggest laugh ever in a Bond movie.
I’ll give it a 6. I might pick this up on DVD if there is a BUNCH of extra stuff there.
Final Note. Not only is Kitana from Mortal Kombat here- SO IS SHANG TSUNG!!!
Bond vs Kano – Next time!
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