10 Things you would like to say to a Rude Customer

Customer Service 2Let me preface this by saying I work in a technical support field. I spend my days and nights talking the customers. The Breakdown of my calls could very well be as follows:

30% – Legitimate issues we caused, such as network issues or our systems not working

25% – Issues that are not our fault – or our issue (such as your computer won’t turn on or your printer doesn’t work… I do not work for HP, Microsoft or Canon. Your ISP has nothing to do with your monitor being too small…)

20% – Pure customer issues (He or she has done something to mess something up, deleted an E-mail they didn’t want to, spilled Coke on the equipment, etc.)

15% – Wrong number – either looking for billing, or telephone problems, or to order equipment… even looking for the power company (this number can fluctuate wildly depending on the time of day)

10% – People calling back without reason – either to get more info on network problems, another problem they forgot about, or because they simply didn’t believe the previous agent, or thinking since they paid their bill at 10, the internet works at 10:01. There is NOT SWITCH I THROW to get your service working, and there is no such thing as sending you a signal.

Now that this is out of the way, here are my top ten things I would LOVE to say to a rude customer:Customer Service

10. Can I ask you a question? Did you call me or did I call you? Well if you called ME then apparently YOU can’t fix it can you?

9. I don’t know why it stopped working. Let me get you the number for Al Gore… he invented it; ask him.

8. If you are losing fifty grand a minute, why don’t you have backup for your residential service? Let me get you to our business line – they open at 8. *click* (this one has happened when I worked overnights)

7. Maybe Bill Gates decided he didn’t want your stupidity to spread to his world.

6. If I could see what is on your computer I’d have fixed it already, and you’d be back to playing solitaire.

5. I don’t care if you do have a PhD in networking – you are going to do things my way, because that piece of paper on your wall ain’t fixin’ that PC.

4. No, the internet is not broken; we just don’t want you on it.

3. If one computer is working, but the other one is not, how can you explain that the problem is with MY network.

2. Tell you what- when you get done with YOUR troubleshooting, and if it doesn’t work… you call me back and we will try it my way, okay?

1. This one was actually told to a customer:

Pack that computer up in the box it came in and take it back to (store) and tell them you are too stupid to have a computer.

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  1. Heard that.last one… aka #1… before.. .loved it then and love it now.

    My other favorite is… 7. Maybe Bill Gates decided he didn’t want your stupidity to spread to his world.

    I deal with customers everyday myself, and, its true that ya just cannot fix stupid. Almost said something I know I would have regretted saying just yesterday. Came real damn close…

    All I can say is hang in there, man.

  2. I never worked in customer service but I have called customer service many times, whether for a problem I’m having with my computer, or the utilities, or the bank, and the one thing every caller needs to remember is that the person on the other end of the line isn’t responsible for whatever the problem is. They are trying to help you resolve the issue…not make it worse.

    My main problem with calling computer tech support is that they can’t physically sit down at my computer and fix it themselves. I will say they are very patient with me when I call and it doesn’t bother me if I’ve become an anecdotal story they tell their friends later. LOL

    Back in the ’80s I had a coffee mug that had Don’t Let the Turkeys Get You Down written on it. Came in handy.

  3. As someone who also deals with customers, this was right up my alley. It’s also a reminder of why I am trying desperately to get out of the customer service business.

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