You gotta love them Redneck jokes.

 

 

Redneck Fishfarting

 

 

 

On the occasional blue moon, nostalgia sets in and I feel the need to recycle some of my favorite Redneck jokes. Now, you don’t have to be a Redneck to enjoy them. But it helps.

Please enjoy my walk back through the Good Ol Boys road to sanity and humor.

Redneckfarmer

The Farmer and the Salesman.

One day a traveling salesman stopped to tinkle along a country road and as he stood there draining his vein he noticed a farmer plowing a field with an old mule and pull behind plow. He watched as the old man cursed and fussed with the mule to get it to do what he wanted.

The salesman waited until the farmer had worked his way across the field and laughed and chuckled as the farmer worked up a lather and sweat trying to finish the field.

Finally the farmer stopped along the fence line where the salesman was watching and being neighborly he stopped long enough to converse with the man.

“Howdy” the farmer greeted.

“Howdy” the salesman returned as he continued to laugh. “Boy I seen things in my day but the way that old mule gave  you fits was a real hoot.”

The farmer kind of frowned but said nothing as the salesman continued. “Yes Sir, I tell you with all the new farm equipment they have now a days I am surely surprised to see you plowing with that old nag.”

Again the farmer said nothing. The salesman continued, “I guess there is just not much between you and a fool are they?”

To which the farmer replied, “Nope. Just a fence” as he went back to work.

 

The Redneck and the Game Warden on fishing

fishpoacher

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin’ a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, sir”, replied the redneck. “I ain’t got none of them there licenses. You gotta understand, these here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ’em home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that.”

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said,

It’s the truth Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.””O. K.”, said the warden. “I’ve got to see this!”

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, “Well?”

“Well, what?”, says the redneck.

The warden says, “When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH”, replied the warden!

“What fish?”, replied the redneck.

The Redneck and the Game Warden on Duck Hunting

GameWarden

A Man was duck hunting on a private sector in Oklahoma when he was approached by the game warden. The warden was pretty sure the man was a poacher they had been after for

several months and he was certain that he was about to catch the perp.

When the warden approached he said, “I sure hope you have a license to shoot them ducks young man.”

The hunter replies, “I sure do officer” and he provides an Oklahoma hunting license along with his Federal Duck stamp.

The warden was sure he had him on something so he reaches down and picks a duck up of the man’s pile. He pokes at it once and then sniffs the backside

of the duck.

“Well, what we got here! This is an Arkansas duck. You would need an Arkansas license to shoot this duck”.

“Just so happens I have one” said the hunter. And he provides an Arkansas license.

The Warden now really pissed picks up another duck , sniffs, and states , “This here bird is from Kansas. I don’t suppose you have a Kansas license as

well?”

“Yes Sir I do” the hunter stated as he handed him the license.

By now the warden is really pissed and frustrated but he picks up one more duck and states, “This is a Michigan duck I know you don’t have a Michigan

license?”

The hunter says, “Well, actually I do” and hands the man the form.

The warden now red faced and furious shouted, “Just where the hell you from boy”.

To which the hunter dropped his pants, turned his bare ass to the warden and said, you are the expert; you tell me!”

 

The hunter having a bad day.

deliverance

 

A man out deer hunting settled in under a huge oak tree early one cold morning and with the warming sun shining down on him soon fell asleep.

He was startled awake as his gun was snatched from his hands and he stared up into a man wearing convict clothes.

Realizing he had been captured by an escaped convict the man began to beg.

“Shut up” said the convict, “all I want is your clothes , this gun and what money you have.”

The hunter quickly stripped butt naked and the convict forced him to lay belly first across a three foot stump. The convict used the man’s belt and deer drag rope to lash him to the stump with his ass in the air. He laughed like hell as he took the hunter’s things and ran off.

The man soon began yelling for help and when he thought all was lost another hunter came walking out of the woods.

“Doggone what happened to you?” the other man asked.

The hunter quickly relayed his story and finished by saying, “Thank God you came along!”

As the other hunter began dropping his own pants he said, “This just ain’t your day is it?”

 

Dead Eye Dick

deadeyewrongeye

Two hunting buddies were always trying to one up the other with new things to be used in the field when they went hunting.

One day Ralph called Fred over to show him his new scope he had just purchase along with a new sniper rifle.

The two set out and drove high up on the mountain ridge overlooking the little settlement where they lived.

Ralph broke out the new rifle and handed it to Fred to check out. He said, “Just you look down in the valley there. You can see everything. And that rifle is so accurate, if you can see it , it can hit it.”

Fred glassed all around the settlement and finally said, “Hey there’s my house and I can see Doris hanging clothes on the line”

Ralph bragged, “Yessiree doodle, you could put a bullet right through those holy drawers of yours as well”.

Fred did not reply but continued to look, “Hey! I can see you house as well. I can see you wife in the living room.”

“Not surprising it is time for her daily Soap Operas” Ralph said.

“Well does she normally watch them with a man?” Fred asked. Ralph never answered but his face went red.

Fred continued, “And does she normally watch them as she and the other man get naked?”

Ralph flew into a rage. He reached into his pocket and removed two bullets and told Fred, “Here, shoot her in the head and shoot that Sum Bitches’ dick off!”

Fred handed him one of the bullets back, “Only need one shell for that shot!”

 

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About Archie 139 Articles
Name: Archie Michael Williams Age: 57 (as of 17 September) Occupation: Department of the Army Civilian / Retired Army NCO Grew up in North Carolina, now live in Oklahoma I entered the US Army in October 1984 and retired May 2005. Veteran of the Gulf War with the 3rd Armor Calvary Regiment (ACR) Spent entire Army career as a Fire Support Specialist (Field Artillery Observer / Coordinator) Avid, let me say this again, AVID sports fan. Favorite teams and sports: NFL = Pittsburgh Steelers MLB = Atlanta Braves NBA = OKC Thunder NHL = There is no way I could care less. Soccer = see NHL note College NCAAF = Oklahoma Sooners NCAAB = UNC Tarheels. Hobbies = Golf, Bowling , Hunting, Fishing I will answer any questions you have, Just give me a buzz!

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