Oh My Gosh.
The Opener here is AWESOME. We get a man shaving and putting on a Santa Suit- complete with a mask covering his face. He walks by a woman tied up and gagged on the couch. He walks downstairs and a guy is tied up in a chair, surrounded by CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!! The guy is pleading for his life, saying he didn’t know she was married, etc. Santa’s just staring at him- and he realizes that Santa is not the wronged husband. The OH SHIT reaction is well done. Santa leaves the basement, and electrocuting the guy with the Christmas lights.
As a SAW fan- I’m in, I’m all in.
We flip over the Female Hero, who is a cop, and she is obsessed with a crossword puzzle problem (9 letters, size sided shape) I don’t know why she doesn’t try and figure out one or more of the letters, but moving on. She is going through her first Christmas without her husband, who is missing for no explained reason (unless I missed it). She gets called into work by Malcom McDowell, who doesn’t care about her personal problems.
Now we move to a kid that is a straight bitch to her mom.
Mom: I need to take my heart pills
Kid: You NEED to take me to the mall, I’ll be in the car.
Wife: I’d whup that kid
Me: I’d be whupping that kid ’till New Years
Kid opens the door, and gets the Mountie’s Shock Stick and gets killed. Yes, we are more than happy to see this kid get killed. Not sure what that says about out society. Santa moves on, so I guess the Mom lives.
We get some cop stuff, and we find out the Mayor is building a road over some protected lands- since the town is dying since the Mill closed. Hey! Scott Pilgrim Fans! Knives is in this one!
The Mayors bitchy kid is leaving a soft-core porn studio in a cheap hotel, doing a line of coke on the way- she passes by Santa, calling him a creep for uh, not going all the way back down the stairs so she could go down them? I think Santa had the right-of-way here.
Just in time for Santa to show up, the “Model” takes her top off, so we have boobs for the first time to make EJ happy. Santa beats on the door- and kills the videographer, then stabs the photographer in the groin with a Scythe. The topless model has busted arse to the bathroom, not really giving a warning- and Santa kicks the door in and starts to suffocate her with the shower curtain, then a whole gets blown in the wall, and the porn guy has a gun, Santa walks off and finishes him off, guess that was a single fire weapon. The Topless Model jumps out the window, landing in the trash dump. She takes off, beating on doors and windows, I guess everyone is off at the Santa Parade. She makes her way to a Tree Farm, and still no help. She turns on a wood chipper for some reason, and goes running around topless.
Guess who’s going in the wood-chipper??
But wait. She actually goes running by Santa and who chops off her leg and tosses it in the chipper! She is actually crawling away as he just walks over to the chipper and throws it in as she’s screaming. He catches up to her, throws her over his shoulder and tosses her uh, foot first in the chipper. Oh yeah, this is a fun kill.
The Lady Cop has found the bodies- and McDowell is just chewing the scenery better than that wood-chipper ever thought about. The woman is said to have screwed half the town, and the guy that was killed was the cop that no-showed at work and is the reason the female cop has to come in.
Next up the creepy Priest is giving a fire and brimstone sermon to one person. Santa walks in and he also is getting the sermon- Santa pops up and starts rapid-stabbing the Priest. Again, someone who deserves to die. Santa gives the woman a fistfull of cash and walks out.
Punk Kid empties granddad’s wallet and we get a MAJOR callback to the first movie, in a scene where if you haven’t seen it, means nothing. Basically this kid is a shit, and also needs to die.
Lady Cop comes across a big Santa guy- and he runs from questioning, he gets in her face, and she won’t shoot, he knocks her own/out and takes off. McDowell is 100% sure he’s the evil guy.
So now we flip back over to the Mayor, on Smoke Break, and his daughter is taking the shitty kid from earlier off to the guest room. Santa chokes the Mayor with Christmas Lights. We get some light petting, and she leaves mid-head to go get ready- no nudity here. She comes in and gets mad at him when he tries to scare her- and Santa knocks him back into the closet and rips the doorknob off, and he throws the axe at the girl running- in a real My Bloody Valentine callback- it clips her ankle- so she’s never walking again, he picks her up and slams her into the deer antlers hanging on the wall. Just awesome. Boyfriend pops out- and he gets into a fight, but Santa ends up splitting his skull with the axe in a spurting kill.
Lady Cop has found the Santa from earlier- and he pulls a gun on her and says she doesn’t have the guts to shoot him. She caps him dead center in the forehead- for someone who is scared to shoot- she’s got awesome aim. She sees a SNOWFLAKE! So now she can go finish her crossword puzzle. Good thing there isn’t a killer or anything. She does find a package that looks familiar to one at the motel and at the house earlier. She takes off since she remembers her dad got one.
The idiot cop wants to go home, and McDowell and Knives let him- and gets an axe to the head while looking in a car since he has to take the trash out before he leaves. Who takes the trash out on Christmas EVE?
Lady Cop has come home, and her dad is split open, but her mom is ok, just panic-mad. We have officially hit the go-home button.
Santa hits the jail, and gets the showdown with Malcom.
Santa has a flamethrower, and Malcom makes a joke about you brought a flamethrower to a gun-fight. Then just stands there as Santa lights him on fire and sets off the fire extingiushing system.
Santa frees Donal Logue from Jail- who has been WASTED this entire movie, (FYI: He’s King Horik from Vikings) and Louge is a prick to Santa- and he has been to everyone so far, and when Santa doesn’t get out of his way, Louge punches Santa- who says his first words “Not Nice” and Santa puts on some brass knuckles with HO HO HO on them, and beats him to a bloody pulp.
Lady Cop shows up, and we get a LONG LONG LONG fight scene. She finally lands next to the flame thrower, and sets Santa on Fire, she rescues Knives and they escape and watch the building burn, and we see the mask burning. Gotta love how walking around in a sprinkler system for 15 minutes doesn’t dampen you down enough where a slight burn will kill you.
We next see a guy in a pickup truck who has some burns on his face, and he flips down a picture with a family, and we find out that he was the son of the original killer who burned his wife (this Santa’s Mom) alive and was shot dead by a cop, who just happened to be the Lady Cop’s Dad.
Lady Cop is fine, as is the rest of the cast, nothing really much to worry/complain or applaud about.
You are here for the Kills. If you loved Saw, and I did, and felt that the whole plot gets in the way? You will enjoy this movie the ONE TIME you will watch it and not want to skip all the Lady Cop parts. The Kills are AWESOME and well worth the viewing.
The rest of the movie? Not so much.
Catch this late at night on a Premium TV channel, but don’t you DARE spend a DIME ON THIS ONE.
3. But its the best 3 I’ll ever see.
Tiny URL for this post: