MOVIE REVIEW: Purge

In the Not To Distant Future . . . .

Purge PosterOk, basic setup. The US has a 1% unemployment rate, and a booming economy, all thanks to a 12 hour period of time on March 21st where everything is legal, unless you are a level 10 member of the Government, ‘cause of course, what’s good for the people isn’t good enough for the government.

There is your spoiler warning. Deal with it.

Sounds really really interesting, right? Problem is, we get the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT early and often, where it’s supposed to be a time where the US gets all its violent tendencies and anger at everything out, including some LITERAL class warfare for once. Turns out, it ends up being the lower class killing the homeless and criminals, and time for the youth to just get stupid. That’s why unemployment is so low; so many people that are “useless” to society are killed off every year.

Oh Boy.

Let’s kind of put a pin in that one for a bit, ok? It’s a BIG OL FRIKKEN PIN, I mean like a foot-thick railroad spike pin.

So we get Ethan Hawke as James Sandin. I normally don’t mention who the actor is, since I know it’s a movie, but this is Ethan Hawke playing ETHAN HAWKE. He’s a salesman for a leading security company that has boomed since the Purge came about. He is called on the drive home and told he is the number one salesman for the company, yay? He gets home and OH MY GAWD! HE IS MARRIED TO CERSEI!!! Yes, she is wearing a really bad hairdo that no legitimate woman would wear on purpose – but that’s F’N CERSEI. Oh and we get the teen angst teenager and Max from Parenthood playing. . . Max from Parenthood. Seriously. Same kid playing the same role- only without the outbursts. With an hour to go, the wife goes to check the mail, and meets up with a neighbor, who is not having the normal Purge Party in their Rich-Bitch neighborhood- and is very thinly implying that the new addition that Ethan Hawke built was paid for by everyone in the neighborhood who bought the new security system.

Ok, 10 minutes in I know these things already.

1) Someone is going to not kill because it just isn’t right.

It’s going to be a stupid stupid STUPID move, but it may happen more than once. Yup we are going discover morals, people, buckle up.

2) The Security System sucks.

3) The Teen Angst Girl’s Boyfriend- who Ethan doesn’t like because he’s 18 is going to either save the family or die.

Maybe both. No chance Max is going to die- I’ll give 4 to 1 he’s the only male member of the family to see the credits.

4) The Bitchy Neighbor is coming after the family.

Don’t think I forgot about those cookies she brought over.Either the cookies or the Flowers that apparently mean something is going to come to something. Or not, depending on how lazy we get.

CERSEI!!!
CERSEI!!!

Do we need Pin #2? Nah. That’s pretty straight forward, and

I’m hating this movie more and more by the second.

So the Security System that built an Addition is activated- and we get a pretty cool looking camera setup. Ethan the Salesman is all hell with this security mess; let’s go watch The Jersey Shore Marathon for 12 hours, since I have a PISTOL just incase anyone shows up.

The security system is basically a sliding armor over the windows and doors and  . . .uh, cameras. Really? I’m serious, that’s it. No Claymores, no automatic defense systems, no land mines not even a roll of barbed wire. Not since LEGEND have I seen such STUPIDITY in a main character when it comes to home defense.

So the Boyfriend has yes, snuck back inside before the lockdown happened, and even though she is ready to go- he turns her down to go “talk to her dad” since he can’t leave for 12 hours. Really? I can KILL FOR 12 HOURS LEGALLY and the guy that is unvirgining my daughter is going to walk into my house? This is every parents DREAM!!! It would be socially acceptable and ENCOURAGED to kill during these 12 hours?

Homeless GuyMax, er, Charlie sees a black man running down the street screaming help me help me! Charlie, who JUST learned about the Purge in school THAT DAY (letting it go) disarms the Security Service and lets the man in. He is BLATANTLY wearing dog tags, I wore dog tags for over 3 years- and they never bounced around outside my shirt- let alone OUTSIDE MY JACKET.

That won’t come into play, now will it?

The father sees that the security system is disarmed, gets to the front door and sees the man, then the boyfriend shows up and just starts shooting, like some kid who thinks life is like video games, just pull the gun out and shoot. So he dies when Ethan shoots back, and the girlfriend pulls him back up the stairs. The Stranger disappears- you would think a thank you would be in order, or at least an attempt to help. You don’t know if he’s a plant from the rich-bitch neighbor or what. So the Boyfriend is dead- huzzah!

So now a whole bunch of kids- well, 20 somethings – show up with masks on, cause we need the masks to sell cause it worked so well in V for Vendetta, and they demand they return the homeless guy, or they will break in the house and kill everyone for denying them their “purging” geez. Ethan agrees. But the group kills the electricity! So now we are all in the dark.

Welcome to the time-wasting sequence. We get a WHOLE BUNCH of Ethan and Cersei walking around their own home looking for the homeless guy with a flashlight, and forgetting about their daughter and the boyfriend who may or may not be dead. I just saw Ethan Hawke running around in Sinister (Save your money and watch THAT ONE)

Ethan, by the way has the worst form possible for searching in the dark. Hold the gun all the way out, something you are not going to be able to do for 10 minutes with a loaded weapon, no matter how strong you are. Grab a 5 pound rock, and lock your elbow and see how long you can walk around. Keep in mind due the ammo and the gun barrel most of the weight on a revolver is in front of your hand. Oh and hold the flashlight next to your face while doing that, ok? Ethan

I do love how the security system has SQUAT inside the house. So Charlie uses his remote control robot to lead the homeless man to his secret hiding place so his parents can’t find him. Cersei find the daughter and confirms the boyfriend is dead. We get the family meeting and Ethan admits that the security system isn’t impregnable, and is more a deterrent than anything else. Really? Dumbass.

Ok, so now the daughter has the boyfriend’s gun- and she says she will be fine- and of course, the homeless man disarms her and holds her hostage. As Cersei is sneaking up behind him, they scream a lot. Ethan shoots the Homeless guy in the belly, and they try and duct tape him to a chair- he tries to fight them off, and Ethan screams at Cersei to jab a letter opener in his wound. Really? You stick a knife in a gunshot wound?

TWICE?

So Charlie is screaming why, the daughter is all upset again (even though a few minutes ago he had a GUN TO HER HEAD) and only Ethan is doing anything. Time runs out and a CHAIN ON A TRUCK rips the doors off. Seriously. This from a security system that is so awesome that the entire neighborhood has bought this? I’ve been better protected during a hurricane warning.

Oh Lawd. So the Parents leave. Oh and lets just leave the letter opener here ok? Enjoy. Yes we have decided in the last 10 seconds you are worth keeping alive, so we are going to go fight the gang, but we will leave you here, duct-taped to a chair. I’m sure being ex-military, you are useless in a gunfight. (Insert Navy/Airforce/REMF joke here)

So the wife is sent to protect the back, the husband goes wandering over the house. He does NOT however just start popping them as they come in the front door. We do get some entertaining fights, and Ethan kills a few of them before the leader stabs him with like a foot long blade. Great Work there. Let me also mention the one smart thing Ethan does. After KO-ing or wounding or even killing 3 of them in the pool table room, he pops them all with a shotgun before walking out the room. Just walks by and pops them all in the head. Awesome.

MOVIE HISTORY
MOVIE HISTORY

We also get the “Girl hides under the bed” and it works.

Seriously FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY HIDING UNDER THE BED WORKS!!!

The family comes together with the father dying, and then the gang surrounds them, and we do get scenes where another group is killing the gang, so we get wave 2. The Daughter kills the gang leader, and the neighbors have shown up and everything is fine, the 1% have come together to fight against the young adult invaders.

It’s a TWIST! Nope, they killed the gang so THEY could kill the family, since they are jealous and what not. Cersei wants to hold her kids one more time, as they are duct-taped. The neighbors step aside to form a circle and  . . pray to the new founding fathers for the purge? Now we get religion? From the GOVERNMENT?

So as Queen Bitch says she wants to kill the mother, then the rest can kill the kids? Right.

The homeless man shows back up, and knocks one of them down and tells the rest to drop their weapons and untie the family. We spend the rest of the night with the homeless guy holding a pistol on the 4 neighbors, and the Mother sitting across from them at a table with the shotgun. As the kids cry over Ethan in the next room. Ok. The Mother asks how they enjoyed the Purge Party and QueenBitch’s husband tells her to go Fuck herself. A few moments before the purge is over-queen bitch tries to grab the shotgun, and the Mother slams her into the table a few times and busts her nose and she’s bleeding all over her face, as the homeless man just stands there with the pistol. Mom gives a speech about no more killing, and the horn sounds end of the Purge. The neighbors walk out, as does the homeless man as sirens are heard coming into the neighborhood. I would think the Mom would be like, “Hey homeless dude! I know a security company that has an opening, and I’d also like to see you next year!”Purge Gang 2

Roll Credits.

During the credits we get news reports over how popular the purge was, and how successful it was. Yeesh.

Ok, this movie is shit. Seriously. We spend way too much with the unprepared Ethan Hawke- WHO IS IN THE SECURITY BUSINESS, Cersei who does not much, the Teen Angst girl and Max- at no time do I care about this family. Ethan kind of deserves to die for being stupid. They should have made him some Oil-Dude and the neighborhood hates him for 3.00 gas? He got rich by protecting you from the government’s Purge Program? How does that not make him a hero?

If this happened in real life, all the Rich People would leave the country, or at worst- all hire a private security force to protect the entire neighborhood. Seems like all the off-duty cops would LOVE to make half their annual salary in 12 hours and guard a golf course for a night and shoot idiots. This ultra-secure system doesn’t even have the same security my father-in-law uses to keep his COWS FROM GETTING OUT.

Think about it. Let me give you a 200K house in a really good neighborhood, and then another 75K to build an addition. In a world where anyone and everyone has a chance to kill you for 12 hours one day a year.

Ok. Have you seen a castle? Have you ever heard of a panic room? I would make the entire addition a panic room(s) Claymore mines would be lined around the house. Oh and a few spots where I can put a shotgun out to the yard would also be nice. I would also put in a GENERATOR THAT LIGHTS MY HOUSE. I mean this is one of the dumbest men in movie history, and right up there with Will Smith in Legend.

Purge Poster 2Next up, let’s talk the end. Why let the neighbors live? I still have to SEE THEM EVERYDAY. Not to mention just because the purge is over, CRIME IS STILL GOING TO HAPPEN. What’s to stop Queen Bitch from just shooting you later that day? Do people wait until one day to kill everyone they hate? QB can still just cap Cersei for ruining her face.

Our final shot is just a doughnut on the toilet seat. The Savior Homeless Man has been shot in the belly, stabbed twice with a letter opener, and just walks off.

As should you. Walk, don’t run away. This movie earns the 1 I’m giving it. To be honest with you, the guy standing out front grinning at the door is the only guy I care about, just because I want to see his backstory.

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About David Snipes 1359 Articles
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2 Comments

  1. About that belly wound… I had an operation a few years abck where my gut was opened up and sewn back up afte they what needed to be done. … you do not just get up and start walking around. It took me months beforeI could even get out of bed by myself. Right then and there was the big tipoff this movie was absed on drek for brains.

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