Toxic Avenger

I’ve heard of Toxic Avengers for decades, I mean literally a couple of decades, One night on one of my movie channels played all 3 movies back to back to back. So I figured I’d knock out a movie series I have always wanted to see, and do another series after Puppet Master. So lets hit Troumaville and see what happens ok?Toxic Avenger

Ok, so the movie opens and we hit THE CITY OF TOWNSVIL- I mean Troumaville, known as the toxic waste dump capital of the world. I would think this means that Trouma is in Russia, or in the very least, New Jersey. We head to the Wal-Mart of Troumaville, the Health Club, since this being 5 years after Olivia Newton-John told everyone to get Physical. Enter Melvin, the janitor of the place, wandering around with a mop, apparently spreading a staph infection around the entire place. As he’s bumbling around, he sticks the mop in the sauna that has our main bad people in it- Bozo, Slug, Wanda and Julie. Oh Goodness. So the guys need to let off some steam and they have watched Death Race WAAAAY to many times, and they rack up some major points by running over a kid on a bike. Since the kid is still moving, they have to back over the kid again and squash his dome. The girls pile out and take polaroids of this, talking and giggling about how the new cameras really let the red standout.

If this isn’t enough, the mayor of this town, is in charge of a major crime ring. He also strikes a deal to move more Toxic Waste to a mere 20 feet from the towns water supply. OK.

So Melvin is wandering around the Health Club, and comes across Slug and Julie having sex on a bench, and unlike any other male on the planet, instead of watching from hiding, he walks right up to them, and somehow the blue-balled Slug doesn’t kill him right then and there.

You'd put on a Tu-Tu too.
You’d put on a Tu-Tu too.

So the next day, the other evil wench tries to get Melvin to put on a pink tutu because “Pink turns her on” and Melvin, being no dummy, says hell no, but she pulls out the twins, and of course is it then more than willing to put on anything she wants. He goes looking for Wanda, and finds her in a dark room- Anyone else see whats coming? Yup, lights come up and he’s kissing a sheep. Seemingly everyone in town is there and laughing at him. I don’t understand why everyone is hanging out at the health club, but they all have the bodies of 16 year old girls. So Melvin goes nuts, and dives out the second-story window, right into a 50 gallon barrel, the citizens still don’t care, and even as he comes out AND CATCHES ON FIRE and the cops do squat. Even when one of cops hands catches on fire and they just let him go.

Melvin runs home and takes a bath. He also completes his transformation.

Melvin now has Super Strength and has put on about a foot in height.

So now the ONE honest cop in the whole town, is refusing a buyoff, so some dude named Cigar Face, burns his forehead with a cigar, then his 2 henchmen beat him up, then threaten to blow his privates off. Toxie shows up and kills the two henchmen, and pounds Cigar Face in a barrel by punching him in the groin. Then he puts mops on their faces.

Next up, we get an armed robbery at a taco/sundae place. One man stands up to the robbers, and gets capped. They next shoot a seeing eye dog, in a scene I bet got them hatemail- dog skidding across the floor with spaghetti on it. The leader bends her over a table and yanks up her skirt- and in comes Toxie! He kills one by jamming the milkshake machine in his mouth, he rips the leaders arm off and just for fun, smacks him with it. The other toady gets his hands stuck in the fries basket- and then bent around them and shoved in the fryer. He passes out from shock, but its survivable (if you’d want to live through that is another question.) Toxie then takes the leader and shoves him in the oven.

Next up Toxie is taking a whiz in an alley, and a pimp comes up to him offering him a 12 year old girl, who thought she was going to go see David Bowie (!) Toxie isn’t into this (Wonder how much hate mail they got on that one too, I mean taking a 12 year old to David Bowie??) So he starts to kick the pimps ass, and a half dozen toughs come out of the limo clown-style. Toxie slaps them around and gets into the car with the girl.

So now we get a fun little montage of Toxie saving random people, including a pair of kids from getting run over by Bozo and Slug. We also get T-Shirts with I love The Monster Hero. I bet those things are worth some money on eBay.

So we come back to the mayor, who is not concerned about the guy running all around town on a murder spree, he’s confident the cops will stop him, even though the Police Chief has a hard time keeping his Neo-Nazi  tendencies underwraps. One member of his staff leaves, goes to the health club, and Toxie kills him.
We even get the return of Cigar Face, who surround Toxie with gun-toting baddies. He jumps, and they all shoot each other. Oh goodness.Toxic Avenger2

Time for the big confrentation. He scares Julie and burns the ass-end of Wanda on the sauna bricks- both kinda lame. Don’t kill them or anything. Yeah, they won’t be convincing teenages boys to kill thier husbands in the next Lifetime Movie of the week. Then he goes after Bozo and Slug, throwing slug out of a moving car- breaking his neck, and rides shotgun with Bozo, terrifying him, rippin off the steering wheel, causing a crash. Oh by the way- he does steer through a crowd of people, so Toxie was almost responsible for mass murder of kids- but oh well.

Fun Subplot. Toxie and the blind girl are in a relationship- one they even consumate- yet Toxie is still in the tu-tu. Oh good lord. Did I mention that the blind girl is the hottest thing in town? Toxie admits to her there is some “force” guiding him to do what he does. I don’t see why the prisons are full, since its not like the cops are doing thier jobs, and Toxie isn’t exactly big on due process. Toxie wanders into a dry cleaner, and kills a midgit woman in the press. She is a pillar of the community though, so this gives the mayor an excuse to go after Toxie- even though it comes out she was behind the white slave trade. Yeah, I’m serious.
Toxie isn’t happy, so he and Sara move to the woods in a tent. Yeah. Even though Sara is blind, when Toxie uses a traffic cone as a hat, she busts out laughing. Yeah.

So finally, Mayor Belgoody is able to call the govenor and get the National Guard involved. They track Toxie down, and surround the tent. Then the townspeople surround Toxie and say if they want to kill Toxie, they have to shoot through them first, led by Toxie’s mother, and the Honest Cop. Of course, the National Guard stand down, and watch Toxie punch a hole in the Mayors belly, spilling his guts out. Nothing like a little first degree murder, and let him get away with it. Toxie says that he’s going to defend the town against all enamies, forgien and domestic. Oh wait. No, just people like Cigar Face.

Funny enough to make a blind girl laugh
Funny enough to make a blind girl laugh

Roll Credits.

Holy Shit.

I’ve been hearing about this movie for a long time, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so disappointed in a movie that I knew was known for being shitty, but in a good way. At no time did I give a crap about Melvin, or give a crap about Toxie. You take a career disappointment, give him super strength and power, and he just randomly goes around killing and maiming, being told to by something? I don’t know if Toxie is a Jedi or what, but holy shit.

I honestly can’t think of a single positive thing to say about this movie. It’s not so bad its good, its just bad. The evil people, only half really get killed, one just has her ass burned, and one gets away scot-free.

I wanted to do this one as a series review, but the sequel is a staggering ZERO on Rotten Tomatoes. Considering this one is actually decent per the rating- I’m not touching this one. Crappy 1. Barely Better than Children of the Living Lead as the worst I’ve seen.

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