Ok, we start out in China, well, I guess its sometime in the 1800’s. The Governor is sending a shipment of gold though Jungle Village lead by the Lion Clan. The Leader, Gold Lion is betrayed but his backups, Silver Lion and Bronze Lion. Our friendly neighborhood Blacksmith, RZA, who wrote and directed this, narrates, he apparently is in love with a working girl and they have a plan to leave.
RZA is apparently the MAN to come to for weapons, as both the Wolf and the Lion Clan have demands for his weapons. Gold Lion’s son learns of the murder and leaves his woman to go avenge his death.
Russell Crowe, I mean Jack Knife comes to the brothel, picks a fight with a fat man, slices him in half. (Crazy Hippo- just an awesome name) who takes a full bottle of liquor and just three girls, so he doesn’t seem greedy.
The son of Gold Lion, Zen-Yi goes to the village but is stopped by the Rodent Clan. They kind of . . .suck, so he kills a bunch of them. Next up is Brass Body, who earns his name by his body CGI-ing to Brass every time its about to take damage. Zen-Yi stands no chance, gets injured but one of his entourage pulls the building they are fighting in down on him and Brass Body, giving Zen-Yi time to escape.
RZA is watching, and for some reason decides to hide him.
Now the Geminis arrive in the village. The Geminis are just awesome- doing the whole yin-yang thing. This might be the best fight scene of the movie- really reminds me of Kung-Fu Hustle with the way the couples work together (Think I need to do that one?) Then Poison Dragon pokes in and shoots them both, just to piss everyone off. Jack shows up later on, and finds the poison darts.
The Governor gets all kinds of ticked-off about the missing gold, and sends his best troops (the Jackals) toward the village. They have a Gatling gun- so shits gonna go down. (Also narrows down our time frame)
So now the Lions want new armor from RZA. Lets stop a bit and think on RZA. He’s this great blacksmith, who accidentally killed a man who was abusive to him on the day he was freed as a slave. OK. Now he’s in love with a working girl, and is trying to make money to uh, buy her? Escape with her? I guess being a blacksmith doesn’t pay the bills in China well enough to just skip town. Oh well. So this group who just stole a SHIT-TON of money show up, and want new armor. (Armor, NOT weapons) So instead of making a suit- even a flawed suit to get the balance to get the girl and leave town forever, he instead refuses these killers and gets his hands chopped off. I understand the scene is cool, but for some reason I keep thinking dumbass. I mean really? Let the woman you love be the top draw at the whorehouse so you can keep making horseshoes? Dumbass. Ok, so RZA has no hands left, but Jack finds him and saves him from bleeding to death.
Now Zen-Yi is back and now we have our Titans Three. Uh, Yay? So we have a cripple, a drunkard and a guy that’s 0-1 in fighting a major boss. Whoo-Hoo!
RZA decides he’s going to make himself a new pair of hands, infused with the teachings of the Monks. . . ok.
So the Dragons come to the brothel, and decide to hide the gold in their underground . . .tombs? What kind of stuff are these chicks into?
That night, all the girls KILL THE LIONS while Lady Blossom walks around making a knocking sound. Just not a good thing. Its an awesome visual, but still. Batista, obviously can’t be killed this way- so he and the Silk get into it, and Batista almost kills her, cause she’s stupid. The Titans Three arrive and join up with the Hoes to attack the Lions. Don’t understand why any are alive other than Batista- but of course, there are.
RZA finds Silk, who dies just in time.
So we pair off.
Jack fights Poison Dagger. Winning by kicking him into a pair of grinding gears. Kind of a lame death, but ok.
Silver Dragon and Zen-Yi are up for our co-main, and he wins when Zen-Yi goes all IRONY and crushes Silver Dragon with the stolen gold.
In our MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING
Since Iron is stronger than Brass- guess who wins. Yeah, not exactly a great closer here. RZA gets ticked off enough to shatter Batista. Jack takes off and is able to stop the Jackals from shooting the town up. I have no idea how one Gatling gun on the outside of town is going to level a village so sizable to have a brothel with dozens of rooms.
First off, I love the names of all these guys, I wonder if all the men had names like that. I am the Zinc Dragon, Here is my room mate the Xenon Dragon, What ever you do, do not room with the Boron Warrior, he talks in his sleep. Look here comes the Mercury Dragon.
So Did I get what I expected?
Yes- and then some
Specifically, I got those two movies and a dash of Mars Attacks added in, with a ton of “Hey that guy if you watch a lot of these films. Not saying thats a bad thing, just has to be said.
You would think that Russell Crowe was the star of the film, and did tons of stuff, but there is a ton of where he’s not even close to focus of the movie, I would almost think if he wasn’t in the ads with that cool knife-gun, we wouldn’t care about him.
RZA isn’t bad. I just kind of wish he wasn’t here. I’m just never that happy when we have to throw white and black people in an Oriental setting. I get the whole unity thing, but still. For a first effort the directing is good, I do enjoy the story as a good time waster.
Zen-Yi should have been the focus of the movie more. The whole revenging my father arc is what I’m here for. Not the “revenging my hands and my dead hooker” arc. I feel like he got the short end of the stick. He is the only Oriental to get any story though.
Oh, yeah- we get Batista early here. Brass Body is just a perfect role for him. Stand there and look awesome. Don’t talk- just punch stuff.
So is this a GOOD movie?
Kinda. I mean its worth the time to kill the movie, but I’m not exactly chomping at the bit to see Iron Fists II. I enjoyed watching the movie, but like a lot of Tarantino’s stuff, this movie throws a ton at the wall, and 80-90% of it sticks, but what doesn’t stick, to me- stinks. This is a good time-wasting film, but I don’t think I’m going to be looking for the DVD unless its on clearance- and thats just to get the special features.
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