Retro Puppet Master

Ok, Don’t ever say I don’t love you people, I had to watch this movie THREE times to do this.Retro Puppet Master

We start of in Switzerland, 1944, so I’m guessing Toulon is on the run from the Nazis on the way to America, but either has dumped the kid or sent him out for Strudel. Who knows? As he’s talking to the puppets, a FREAKKING HEAD ROLLS OUT, THE PUPPETS HAVE TURNED CANNIBAL!!! AHHH!

No wait. Its just a head from one of the earlier generation of the Puppets (shooting that whole immortal thing out of the water) Toulon talks about it being the first puppets he created, and the woman he loved, back in 1902.

MONTAGE INTRO!!!

We go to Egypt, and an older (REAL old) man is running from a few thugs. He finally decides to quit running, and after a short battle, he kills them. I wonder why he even worried about running from them. I just love how you can kill a few guys on the street and walk off. So Sutekh (remember him?) raises 3 mummies from the dead, and tells them to go after the old man. So lets goto Paris!

Paris looks a LOT like a high school by the way.

Hey look everyone! Its Toulon! He looks like a preppy version of ZABKA! Just with much worse hair. I mean, that is one SERIOUS pompadour. Elsa, the love interest of undetermined age, is stopped by a panhandler, she must carry like 80 bucks in change to give out. Toulon also is worried about is cough, but apparently not enough to let him come inside or give him a job. The 3 mummies have arrived (Moe, Larry and Curly hire two local thugs (Shemp and Joe?) to kill the old man, since he’s too powerful for them.

Leaving the puppet performance, Elsa sees the old man getting beat up, she hollers, they let him go, The Cops- or Elsa’s overprotective father/security guard, are no where to be found. Toulon does come outside and helps the old man inside.

Retro Hair
I control the puppets through the power of my hair.

So the Old Man takes Toulon under his confidence, and tells him that he knows the secret of life, and every 100-1000 years they have to defend mankind from the “Elder Gods” (In MORTAL KOMBAT!!) or . . . in 50 years when Sutekh molests a smaller version and crosses over, but whatever. Toulon is skeptical, until the Old Man reanimates his puppets and makes them draw with finger paints, and he’s convinced.

Toulon wanders outside- maybe to find an X-Wing to try and pickup, and finds his homeless buddy dead. Damn, maybe he should have let him come inside or something. Oh Well, lets drag him inside and experiment on him! Anyone seen Re-Animator knows that always works out! The Old Dude stabs him with his Lil Orphan Annie decoder Ring, then stabs a puppet. This transfers the soul into the puppet- Its PINHEAD 1.0!

Sucks for that guy. He’s homeless, finally freezes to death, and gets stuck in PINHEAD? True his next-gen gets to hang out with the HOTCHICK in the last movie, but still.

Elsa’s guards show up, and apparently Puppeteers are not welcome to bang groupies of Elsa’s stature even in those days. Toulon tries to show how nice a guy he is, but he gets cub-stomped and tossed in the Woods.

The next day, the paper banner of protection falls down, so the Stooges attack! Since none of the Puppeters are smart enough to grab a gun until half of them are dead, its a shot battle, but then Moe is bullet-proof, so the other half die quickly as well. The Old Dude shows up and does a really bad Obi-Won  Kenobi impression, and kills himself. Yeah! That’ll show em!

Toulon shows up, and commences a Stabbing and Puppet-movin-makin with his Green Lantern Power Ring, then he gets a tattoo from Blade 1.0 of the SYMBOL OF PROTECTION ™ so the Stooges can’t touch him. They show up anyway, but its a stalemate until Six-Shooter kills Larry by dropping a chandelier on him. First Puppet Kill! Moe and Curly kidnap Elsa to try and get to Toulon, Her Daddies Guards being less effective against Magic than vs Jeff Dunham 1.0

Chicks Dig Tats, right?
Chicks Dig Tats, right?

So we move to a train stage, and Toulon releases the puppets to go do  . . .something. Then goes to the back of the train to find Elsa tied up, and the Stooges want the secret of Eternal Life. Toulon shows them a scroll, but says he might have copied it- Moe says he didn’t have time, since there is no Pop-Copy in 1920. Toulon, enraged by the plot-hole, attacks Moe and the Puppets attack Curly. The Puppets win their SLOW battle, and Toulon is able to throw Moe from the Train. He frees Elsa and they continue the trip to  . . . yeah.

Fast Forward to now, and Toulon tells Picard and the rest he will tell them of Kirk another time.

Ok. YOU GET NO SPOILER WARNING.

You need to be spoiled since you need to avoid this movie! Holy Sheet this one sucks.

Ok, so looking back, you need “Spirit” to be put into a dolls body. Or Brain Matter, or now, to be stabbed by the POWER RING.

So whats written on the scroll? We never saw the scroll before, and apparently there were never magic words before, is it the recipe to turn wood into metal incase we need to build a TANK PUPPET?

Considering Toulon is touring in 1938 with the new batch, This one starts in 1902, So apparently “eternal life” is about 30 years, give or take- unless you get Cow Brains or an electric Shock. Then you are good for 50 years plus.

Worst of all? I hate prequels, they either need to fill in gaps or reboot the franchise, this one does neither. Why does Obi-Won kill himself? Apparently the Stooges can’t touch him, and he just started with Toulon. Is there a Yoda in Egypt to complete the training? Well, considering the idiot kid made Decapition take down the Molesting Power Ranger Villain, so it can’t be too hard.

Lousy, Lousy movie. Gotta give it a 1, only because I love Dr Death and thats on a crappy B-Movie scale. Or maybe its because I had to see this 3 times.

See you next time. I hope.

 

I will be with you . . .Always
I will be with you . . .Always

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