What? The Final Puppet Master didn’t mean it was the Last One? No Way! I got a whole DVD sitting behind that one!
Ok, we start off with all the Puppets in a cage, this is not going to end well. Some old dude- did they recast Obi-Wan?? is saying he’s sorry and taking off with a trunk! Ok, SO Glad its not Rick, but are we picking up from III and gonna find out about the Kid?
OMG! What if the Kid is RICK?? No, Rick’s not old enough, never mind. Laugh my ass off if it was Alan from the first movie though.
Anyway, So he leaves, and goes out to the woods, buries a box a third of the way in the ground, and splatter gas on it, getting it all over his pants and shoes, lights it, and it doesn’t become a liar liar with his pants on fire?
How exactly is that going to work? You are gonna burn the box first, so all you are gonna do is tick off whomever is inside, and burn them a bit, the objective is for them to die from axphysiation, and the PUPPETS DON’T BREATHE, so that’s not gonna work. Man Its gonna suck if Torch is the one in there.
Holy Shit this opening credit must take 15 minutes.
Ah, so Its not Toulon, its Dr Magrew- who I want to call Mr Magoo, but I’m not sure most of you will catch that joke. So he’s got a cute daughter too, and she’s home from college. Apparently Mr Magoo had an assistant, but he can’t see him anymore (see what I did there?) so they drive into town.
Now we come over to a gas station, where we spend a LONG time establishing a town(?) bully and his three friends, I mean a LONG time. We get introduced to Tank, local idiot with a heart of Gold. Sorry, am I reading into this? The owner is apparently fine with letting him be bullied, but when the Dr and the Daughter come up, the Doc takes exception, and for an old fart, I’m kinda proud of him. The manager finally pulls his head out of his ass and breaks it up, and may or may not fellatio the bully, the camera cuts away pretty quickly.
The daughter finds a carving that Tank dropped, and the Doc gets all excited. He gives Tank a job carving in his shop and taking tickets to his museum. Tank looks at the Hot Redhead Daughter, and he’s gone.
The Doctor starts showing Tank his job, he is to take “Egyptian Wood” and carve it into a new Puppet. It is 444 pieces of wood. I’m guessing there is 222 pages of instructions?
Tank wakes up in the middle of the night, and he has puppet legs! Later he has another dream and his innards are like a puppet too! Maybe he’s turning into Pinocchio? Or Maybe thats the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT I’m seeing. The Doc tells Tank that he is perfection with his carving, His old assistant was very good, but Tank is just PERFECT. You have to be PERFECT to make a puppet come alive. (I thought you needed the formula, that you can either buy or steal in Egypt, and the WILL TO SURVIVE or a lightning bolt, or even molest a smaller version of you with your demonic “essence”)
Jane tries to talk to Tank, and he just ignores her. She starts thinking he looked a little pale, like maybe he’s overworked. (Or considering the fact he doesn’t even look up when she says “I’m Naked” He could be dead) She finally gets his attention, but he cuts his hand. He tosses the wood, saying if its not perfect, he can’t use it. She convinces him into go for a drive with her. Tank is stupid, but not THAT stupid.
They go play in the woods, and come across the box from act one, its not even close to being burned all the way, so its just sitting there. Tank goes rooting around, and pulls out a HAND! No, a puppet hand, calm down. Jane is already leaving because mysterious half destroyed box in the middle of woods just isn’t that interesting.
The bully and his buddies are waiting at the car. She tries to be all bad-ass and shove her way through (instead of going around them) and then the bully starts talking like he’s going to rape her, just to REALLY show he’s a bad guy. They push her around a bit. Tank shows up and tell them to leave her alone, they back down and go to college and become productive members of societ- No wait, thats not right- they laugh in his face and push him around too! He snaps and becomes HULK-TANK! Summononing the power of Handi-man, he slams Joey on the car and chokes him like a bitch. Jane of course, was all into the gang-rape and pulls Tank off and they leave.
So the bully, being a dumbass, comes to the house, but decides going after the red-head is a better plan than taking on Handi-Man again. As he’s stalking her, Pinhead shows up! Joey is able to throw off our Hero, and stomps a mudhole and walks it dry, breaking Pinheads arm off. We get our first kill of the movie- FINALLY. Geez feels like its been a while. Joey takes off.
Tank says he can fix him, but Mr Magoo has said enough of this bullshit and takes Blade and Tunneler out into the night.
Shits about to go down.
So how is the movie?
Shitty. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PUPPETS??
I can see them putting up with shit from Toulon, he made them after all. But Mr Magoo just happened to find them / buy them / whatever. Why they put up with getting put in cages and made to act like puppets for local rubes makes no sense. Tank is just dull. I can see what they are trying to do with him, but we just don’t get to see why, We are currently a good hour into the movie, and the puppets have been on the screen longer in the credits than in the movie proper.
I got big stupid problems with the end, and we will get to that.
I know this is a B movie, but I just have to not recommend this, its just long, drawn out and the payoff just isn’t there.
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