We have all seen the story of Snow White, correct? I’d be stunned if there wasn’t a DVD of Snow White in 80% of households with a girl under the age of 10.
Think about what life would be like if Disney’s Snow White had bombed. So how does this Big-Budget movie go?
Lets find out, shall we?
A Daughter as white as the snow, with lips as red as the blood, hair as black as a raven’s wings and a heart as strong and defiant as the rose.
Ok, a bit of racism there- but still, what Queen wants a DAUGHTER?? Good thing she wasn’t married to Henry the 8th, or this story would have been a whole lot different. Timelines a bit off here, as the Queen wants a daughter, dies that year- next day king goes off to fight a glass army, and she’s like 10.
So lets back up a second, the King is so distraught that he takes battle against some mysterious invading army. Lets just skip the whole tactical part where mounted knights pull swords out, but they stop(!) and hack at the armored foes. Cause sword on PLATE ARMOR is always a good thing. He finds one captive, she’s HOT, so he . . .marries her the next day?
I know he’s a good king, but in the middle ages, this is just stupid. If Snow White was a Dude, he could get away with it, but we had a King lose his THRONE 100 years ago for marrying a commoner. I mean really, WTF?
So he marries her, she looks so happy about it, he tries to get some wedding bliss, and starts hacking away, while she is bitching about being old and discarded. He proves to be an inattentive lover, as he keeps kissing, he finally rolls him over, and stabs him with a wickedly curved knife. I get the feeling the wedding was just to give Charlize Theron another dress. So She kills the King, opens the doors- cause we have no guards, and the Glass Army attacks and takes the castle. So Snow White is captured, her buddy William (no relation to Ulrich Von Liechtenstein) who apparently has a sneaky apple trick. Snow White’s life is spared, since “Royal Blood might come in handy” O….K.
So the Queen, Is she the Queen? Well, The marriage was never consummated, but I guess by right of conquest- but she stinks. The Kingdom is falling apart, plus she has to drain a young woman’s beauty every now and again to recharge. She also has this Mirror, that is basically there to kill the special effects budget more. The Mirror lets the Queen know that Snow White is of age, and now is the Hottest in the Land. Now Kristen Stewart vs Charlize Theron is one heckva debate- but Princesses have been married while still nursing, and those marriages came a lot closer to being consummated than this one was when Snow White was first put in the tower.
So Finn, the Queens brother- who is having a lot more trouble aging than she is, goes to get her, and possibly grab a cheap feel. For some reason he goes alone, so she scratches him with a Nail and escapes- as apparently the Queen has no guards.
Snow White takes off, and goes hiding in the Dark Forest. The Queen apparently has no power there, so apparently the Evil of my Evil counteracts your Evil? Snow White is able to survive the lightning sand, the ROUS and apparently a tree that emits LSD. I am serious about the last one. She starts freaking out as soon as she breathes in some gas, and sees her hand melting. The Queen isn’t dumb, so she goes to find someone that knows the Forest, and since she cannot find Wesley, so finds FRIKKEN THOR!! He’s a widower and a drunkard- something I am sure will make all you people that hate Natalie Portman happy, but he’s a bum. The Queen says she can bring Portman back, so he agrees.
So here is where we stop.
We got a Dead King, a Queen who needs to kill Snow White to stay young forever, but no Dwarves and no Apples yet.
So how is the movie?
I’ll be honest, Its not bad, but the issue is the movie never really makes me give a shit about any of these people. I don’t know if we are supposed to have sympathy for the Queen because of how men treated her, or what?
I just don’t get why Thor is there, I feel like we are setting up for a prequel, or at least an extended extra hour-long cut where we get his story. The male “hero” just kinda shows up and does- well, lets talk about him after the spoilers. But lets just say he’s not exactly Gaston.
I just feel like this movie had too many directions to go in, and no real cohesion, and worse yet, never really grabbed me. Not to mention the feel just isn’t there. This isn’t a BAD movie, just not a Good one.
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