Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

We start off with Lincoln in the White House, reflecting on his years- and get the flashback to his youth working on the dock. He tries to stop a man from taking a friend of his away as captured slaves. This gets his father fired, when he can’t pay the debt they were working off, the boss/overseer comes to his home and does something to his mother, and she dies while Abe is reading to her.Abraham Lincoln

FF to Abe as an adult.
Abe is at a bar getting drunk and returns to those docks. Abe tries to kill the man, but the gun misfires. After some taunting, Abe is able to get a second shot into the eye, after dumping the gun, the man is gone- and then jumps Abe-revealing a scary face. Abe gets a face full of dock, and is almost killed, but is saved by a fellow bar patron.

Abe wakes up in a room, bandaged and confused. After some coitus interrupts, he finds the man that saved him and begs him to teach him to kill the Vampire, the man (named Henry) tells him it was a vampire, and they have to be destroyed, not killed. Abe begs to join, and is allowed. Henry takes him to some guns, but Abe wants the Ax. We get some Yoda-training session, that to be honest with you, are far more entertaining than they should be.

Let me pause for a second and let you in on the undercurrent of the movie, they are not using Slavery as an allegory for Vampirism. They are right out in front with it. Vampires use Slavery to get the blood they need. The reason the South has slaves is so they have big plantations where people can disappear and die without calling too much attention to it.

Abe meets Speed in Springfield. Who gives him a job, then has a run-in with Mary Todd and Steven Douglas- who is out campaigning.

That day, Abe gets his first assignment, and he carries it out with some issues. We get some good fight scenes, and then we get a date with Mary Todd, and Lincoln confesses why he is so tired, this entertains Mary to no end, and the date ends with Barts watching.

Lincolns burial plots are uncovered, and the head Vampire family read about it in the newspaper, and realize that Henry has a disciple.

Abe’s childhood black friend (Will) shows up, and Abe gets into a fight with bounty hunters. This lands him is jail, but also launches his political career. Henry shows up after a stump speech, and gives him the green light to go after Barts.

We get one HELLUVA good fight, and then Abe finds Henry, and we get his origin.

Not gonna spoil it, yet.Vampire Hunter

Abe then proposes to Mary, she accepts, and we get the wedding.
Henry meets Mary, and Will takes an instant disliking to him. Speed and Will seem to be freinds now, and the Vampires kidnap will. Speed finds the invitation, and Abe lets Speed in on the secret. Abe and Speed setoff to find Will.

Abe attacks the Ball, and we get the Fight Scene.

Abe is pinned, and Head Vampire wans to recruit Abe and for him to kill Henry, or he will kill Will and turn Abe into a vampire. Speed makes the save and Harriet Tubman is there with a raft to make the Escape.

We get a fairly quick move to the White House, where Abe has put down his Ax to end Slavery.

The Female Head Vampire comes in and attacks Willie Lincoln, and Abe recognizes the wounds as the same as his mother had.

Henry says he can save Robert, and Mary (Who has read the Lincoln’s journal) begs him to do it. Abe still refuses.

Head Vampire pledges his people to Jefferson Davis.

A “Vampire Platoon” is showing wiping out a Union battery.

Speed is shown betraying Lincoln to the female vampire, telling her about the train. Lincoln has to get the new silver weapons to Gettysberg to save the Union

Abe is on the train with Speed and Will, and the Vampires intercept Mary Todd fleeing Washington. They let her go to attack the train.

No Spoiliers yet.

Needless to say, the North wins Gettysburg, the Abe gives the Gettysberg address, and the North wins the War.

Back to “present Day”, I.E the start of the movie. Henry wonders what Abe and he could do with limitless time, as Mary starts yelling at Abe to hurry as they will be late to the theater. Abe rushes off as Henry gives us a closing monolauge about history.

So How is the movie?

Better than it has any right to be. This should have been goofy, a groaner, a movie where plot points are forced and large gaping wounds in the storyline.

We don’t get that.

What we get is a rock-solid movie that just is well written, well-acted and even the action sequences are good. It slows a bit at times, but like a roller-coaster, it makes up for the lows with really good highs.

I’m giving this one a solid 9. I can’t really punch any major holes in it, and I’m more than willing to pay to see it again, and find some good commentary tracks.



Ok, some issues.

You can see the Mary Todd getting to Gettysburg plot coming. I means its OBVIOUS to anyone that has seen more than 5 movies.

You have to get the Vampire in the heart with Silver- You can slow them down with a wound with Silver in it, but to kill? Gotta hit the Heart. Oh, and Wood does the same thing. Guess what is cheaper?

The whole Confederates push Slavery due to a free food source mess was forced and hokey. Thats the worst part of the movie to me. But on the whole?

Enjoyable film.

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