Identity Theft

Identity-Theft-Movie

Identity Thief

(Originally Published April 15, in New Movies)

Or Theft of 11.50, plus Popcorn?

I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t want to see this movie, My wife did. Even in line to see the movie I was pushing for last call, but to no avail. Thomas, my 7poundmovies partner, even chimed in with “its got really low ratings” but nogo. I like Melissa McCarthy on Mike and Molly, and thought she was funny in Bridesmaids, but I did wonder if her brand of physical comedy would carry a whole movie, even though I do love the Jason Bateman as a sad sack role.

So let’s do the plot.

Jason Bateman continues his role from Horrible Bosses, but this time in the financial arena, where Jon Favreau, instead of working on Iron Man 3, is his asshole boss, who tells him he could be replaced with a chimp.
Bateman has a cute wife and 2 kids, and hasn’t gotten a bonus in 3 years, as has none of the middle management flunkies. Turns out they hold a meeting in the parking garage, and Harold (or Kumar) state their wanting to break off and start their own company, I was surprised this wasn’t a stepup, but its a legit company and Bateman gets 5 times his salary and a VP spot. Molly calls him, saying his identity was almost stolen, gives him a free (upgrade?) Service, then asks for his personal information. McCarthy prints out credit cards and IDs and hits the bar, after feeling sorry for herself and her appearance, she buys a roomful of friends, and gets arrested for drunk and disorderly.

See comment 1 in the spoilers section.

Bateman gets a call from Florida (He’s in Denver) confirming a spa reservation, that he denys making. Then he stops to get gas and his card is declined and cutup. He gets on the phone to complain to his card company, and gets arrested for missing his court date in Miami.

See comment 2

Ok, Cops determine that he’s not in Florida, and let him go, but there is also a DRUG deal going on! The cops show up with a search warrant and get Bateman fired by Harold/Lamar. Cops says it will take 6 months/year to fix this.  Bateman says he can get the Thief to come make a full confession to his boss, and the cops can wire tap.

They agree to this stupid plan, but I’ll be honest, most cops don’t give a shit in real life, so I can buy this. I don’t buy Harold/Lamar throwing Bateman to the curb.

Bateman flies to Florida, after telling his wife not to worry, he’s going after Bilbo, and its ok. I found it funny he only made short jokes and no fat jokes.

Bateman tracks her down, and with NO plan what to do when he finds her, get beat up and his rental car stolen.

He tracks her down again by the address on the car she bought with his identity, and he goes to her house.

TIMEOUT.

I know, this could be a comment here, but this is HORSESHIT.

A) If you steal an identity, wouldn’t you register it where HE LIVES?

B) Why would you put your REAL ADDRESS there? Won’t the cops catchup to you?

C) I sold cars, they watch shit like this like a HAWK. Nailing a bar or a spa or Target is one thing. Getting FIAT is something else, unless its used or a tote your note- and then she had to put down a LOAD in cash.

D) I’m sold cars 20 miles from Texas, and it added a layer of bullshit to buying a car. A Colorado license? Good luck.

So he tracks her down, wants to handcuff her and talk her into flying back to Denver, she beats his ass again, but a HOT CHICK, and someone that has to be a rapper, try and kill her, they escape and Molly points out the stupidity of trying to force her to fly to Denver.

So they drive.

They go to a hotel, Molly gets lucky with a cowboy, and Bateman is forced to listen to the love-making. Molly traps him in the bathroom, and steals his car and phone, but her heart breaks when Bateman’s kids call, missing their daddy.

The T-1000 gets an offer of 50K to bring her in, and he goes after them as well. He catches her, puts her in his van, she breaks the lock, and then Bateman knocks the van over.

– ok. She’s standing up, he’s buckled in the drivers seat, and HE takes the worst of it?

Anyway, they steal his van, until it breaks, then try a shortcut through the woods to a truckstop and bond.

They are out of cash, go into another branch of Bateman’s former employer and steal his former bosses identity, go to a fancy hotel and Molly gets a makeover, they sitdown to dinner, and then get arrested.

They escape as Molly can get out of handcuffs in seconds, and not only get the T-1000 arrested with the Hot chick and the shit rapper both shot in his trunk, removing that plot thread.

They get to the Bateman house, everyone loves each other, and Bateman decided not to turn Molly in. Molly gets up early, and confesses everything, Bateman gets his job back from Harold/Kumar, and everything is great.

One year later, Bateman is having his birthday cake, and then gives a piece to Molly, visiting her at the womens prison as we fade out, as Molly punches a guard in the throat.

End Movie

Ok.

Molly is funny, and almost carries this film. I say almost, since this film does drag a bit.

Bateman is solid, as always. He is not a romantic lead, he’s not a star, but you need someone to play middle management, white collar, destined to die in a cubicle? He’s 1A on the call sheet.

The rest of the cast doesn’t matter, and its a good-ish thing, the T-1000 gets in the way, and the whole Hottie/Rapper duo seem to be only there to get Molly in the car, because there is NO CHANCE Bateman is going to do this.ID2

OK.

So is it FAR better than I thought it was going to be?

Yes.

Was it worth the money?

No.

Watch this movie on HBO, when Mike and Molly are on summer reruns. Its a good time waster.

RATING: 7 (on the 7 poundmovies scale)

SPOILERS

Comment 1.

Ok, He’s a FINANCE GUY! And he just gets taken that easy?

You get the feeling that as soon as someone gives Molly a hug, she’s gone. That’s all she needs, she not evil right?

Comment 2.

Ok. I’m calling Bullshit.
Who runs the plates randomly? Had he been stopped for running a stop sign while screaming at the Visa/MC/Discover lady, yeah, but who the hell checks an arrest warrant NATIONWIDE for handsfree?
I had a warrant out for me for an (alleged) unpaid parking ticket for THREE YEARS and it never got caught, and I was a FIFTY MILES AWAY

Don’t credit card companies CHECK for shit like this? I live my entire life in Denver, I play finances VERY tight, set that up nice, yet In Florida, I can ring up a 2K bar bill and over 10K in charges and keep going? REALLY?

Issue 1.

Bateman has a shit plan.

He has no idea what to do to get Molly to Denver.

I do.

I drop her with a dart, or a bat (with his money, he can go either way)

Slap her in the back of a U-Haul truck, and drive. She don’t get out for anything, and I get a truck that simply is a Boxtruck, so she can’t signal. I can make the trip overnight.

The Problem? What to do when I get to Denver, so quite simply, I’m screwed, cause the Denver cops don’t care.

But she won’t touch my ID anymore.

Issue 2

Kind of odd that Molly could get out of the bounty hunters van.

I have a problem with that whole issue, like I do the Hottie/Rapper duo thread, but the T-1000?

How is she worth 50k? For skipping a drunk and disorderly? She puked on a cop and she’s worth THAT MUCH?

  Issue 3

See? Right here, this is the list of people that think you could pull this storyline off.
See? Right here, this is the list of people that think you could pull this storyline off.

Here is the biggie. We are supposed to feel sorry for Molly? Is she the only baby left at a police station? She’s gotta be 30 plus, and she’s been doing this a LOOOOOOONG TIME. Bateman isn’t CLOSE to the first dumbass she’s done but NOW she gets her heart broken and she’s changed? Her whole arc just was stupid.

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