A little humor from down the road

archieA Woman With a Duck

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A drunk guy asks, “Hey you! What do you think you’re doing bringing a pig in here?” The lady turns to the drunk and replies, real snooty, “I’ll have you know that this, sir, is a duck, not a pig.” The guy finishes his drink and says with a smirk, “I was talking to the duck

The Single Shopper

A woman was in the check-out line at the grocery store paying for her items. She bought a half gallon of milk, a small jug of juice, one loaf of bread, a pack of bacon, a head of lettuce , and a small can of coffee. Standing behind her was a drunken bum who had apparently taken an interest in the lady’s purchase.“H..h..hey…you know…what?” he slurred, “I-I-I bet you’re s-s-single.” The lady was stunned yet impressed. Thinking there was no possible way he could gather that just by her items, she said “Why yes, I am single! But how did you know?” “Well,” he slurred again, “Because you’re ugly!”

Threesome

I met an older woman at a club last night. This isn’t usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear. She asked me if I’d ever had a sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter 3-some? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: “Mom, you still awake?”

The Nervous Patient

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. The woman wanted to know, if it was true that the medication the doctor had prescribed was to be taken for the rest of her life? The doctor told her that it was, which made her a little nervous. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.'”

An Angry Wife’s Request

My wife packed all my things last night and put them in the front yard. As I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you miserable bastard!” “Oh,” I replied, “So now you want me to stay!”

She’s Alive!

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

The New Sales Kid

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia.” Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you’re not in the mines anymore, son.” The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?” The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″. The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.” The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.

 

 

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About Archie 139 Articles
Name: Archie Michael Williams Age: 57 (as of 17 September) Occupation: Department of the Army Civilian / Retired Army NCO Grew up in North Carolina, now live in Oklahoma I entered the US Army in October 1984 and retired May 2005. Veteran of the Gulf War with the 3rd Armor Calvary Regiment (ACR) Spent entire Army career as a Fire Support Specialist (Field Artillery Observer / Coordinator) Avid, let me say this again, AVID sports fan. Favorite teams and sports: NFL = Pittsburgh Steelers MLB = Atlanta Braves NBA = OKC Thunder NHL = There is no way I could care less. Soccer = see NHL note College NCAAF = Oklahoma Sooners NCAAB = UNC Tarheels. Hobbies = Golf, Bowling , Hunting, Fishing I will answer any questions you have, Just give me a buzz!

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