A little humor to start your week.

archie I found these and thought I would share. Enjoy, and have a great week!

 

 

 

 

 

What is Easter?

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff…” “Wrong!,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog.” St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?” The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out…and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

Shopping IQ Test

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6.” A short time later, her husband came home with 6 cartons of milk. His wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.”

The Tired Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says, “Well, that’s great…that’s just great…some ass has got my pen!”

Experimental Procedure

Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting erect, can you help me?” After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your manhood are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.” Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?” “Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your manhood.” Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let’s go for it.” A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His manhood immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?” Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I’m not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”

Mother-in-Law Wisdom

The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. “What happened?” “What happened? – I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?… My wife, yes my Yvonne, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!” “Calm down!” says mother-in-law. “There is something odd about this story. Yvonne would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened.” Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “You see, I said there must be a simple explanation. Yvonne didn’t receive your Email.”

Ear Pressure

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!” Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”

In Touch with the Paranormal

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?” Most of the hands go up. “And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?” About half the hands stay up. “OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?” Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd. “Gosh, that’s pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?” One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. “Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had sexual contact with a ghost?” The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said “goat’.”

Two Burnt Ears

A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang, but I wasn’t thinking so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear.” “But how the heck did you burn the other ear?” The doctor asked. “How do you think I called you people?”

 

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About Archie 139 Articles
Name: Archie Michael Williams Age: 57 (as of 17 September) Occupation: Department of the Army Civilian / Retired Army NCO Grew up in North Carolina, now live in Oklahoma I entered the US Army in October 1984 and retired May 2005. Veteran of the Gulf War with the 3rd Armor Calvary Regiment (ACR) Spent entire Army career as a Fire Support Specialist (Field Artillery Observer / Coordinator) Avid, let me say this again, AVID sports fan. Favorite teams and sports: NFL = Pittsburgh Steelers MLB = Atlanta Braves NBA = OKC Thunder NHL = There is no way I could care less. Soccer = see NHL note College NCAAF = Oklahoma Sooners NCAAB = UNC Tarheels. Hobbies = Golf, Bowling , Hunting, Fishing I will answer any questions you have, Just give me a buzz!

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