You have been warned.
1. I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “A way out” wasn’t the right answer.
2. The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.
3.”California Dreamin” ~ The Mamas & The Papas.
Music to murder by.
I don’t know why but if I ever go Dexter on someone’s ass this is what you will hear in the background.
4. My wife is a very accomplished after-dinner speaker.
And before dinner. And during dinner.
I really wish she’d just shut the fuck up.
5. I was struggling to give my wife an orgasm during sex. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she said ‘just use your imagination’.
I listened to her advice and it was amazing. I imagined that she had an orgasm and then I went to sleep.
6. What’s the difference between a woman and a goat?
Quite a lot according to the law.
7. The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow.
Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
8. According to my Nike™ Fuelband© wristband pedometer, I just masturbated for four miles… BooYah, fuckers!!!
If nothing else, at least this boner stretches the wrinkles out of my face.
9. The good thing about Facebook is you can make someone disappear from your FB world by simply deleting and blocking the annoying offender. To accomplish the same thing in the real world, you have to find a remote location and take the time to dig a shallow grave, then come up an alibi.
10. Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Thanks to teenage girls, our future generations will go back to using Egyptian hieroglyphics.
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