A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver’s license the lady responds, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER’S LICENSE.”
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, “Ma’am I see you’re from Florida.”
The old lady comments, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE SEES YOU’RE FROM FLORIDA.'” The old lady nods her head, “Yup.”
The trooper mutters, “Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida.”
The old lady replies, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man yells, “HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?”
“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”
“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”
“Three? When were they?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”
“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. When was number 3?”
“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What, my dear?” she asked gently.
“You’re a damn jinx!”
”My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
”I got in a tiff with Riley.”
”Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. ”He must have had something in his hand.”
”That he did,” Kelly said. ”A shovel it was.”
”Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”
”Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s left boob.” Kelly said. ”And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.
On my last business trip to Georgia, we had just left Dallas and leveled off at cruising altitude when the Captain came over the Intercom:
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen this is your Captain and I would like to welcome you to American Airlines flight 4722 non-stop service to Atlanta. Flying time will be approximately 2 hours at an altitude of 30,000 feet. We appreciate you business and along with the crew we wish you a pleasant trip.”
At this point he must have failed to switch off the microphone because the next thing we heard was, “Ed, take over. I’m going to take a shit and then screw that cute new flight attendant.”
All of a sudden , this cute blonde flight attendant rushed forward from the back of the plane. She got just about three rows from my seat and she tripped and fell. As she was trying to gain her feet again, a ninety year old lady seated in the aisle seat where she fell placed her small wrinkled hand on her shoulder and said, ” Slow down Deary. He said he was going to take a shit first”
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