Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life…as matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!” Then POOF!! She was gone. After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, “Harry! Harry! Where are you?” Harry yells, “I’m over here, in the pussywillows.” Fred screams back… “DON’T SWING!!! FOR GODS SAKE!! DON’T SWING!
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph.. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.” Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.” Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you okay?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’ Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope’. Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’ Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, It’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’ Furious, Bert yells, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?’ ‘Nope’, she replies. ‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’ Margaret replies… ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat.’
A young guy from Oklahoma moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Tulsa .” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says “$101,237.65” The boss says “$101,237.65? What the hell did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!” The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing……..”
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