I love me some Zombie movies. Normally they are hugely flawed, and most people are blatantly stupid. I do love putting myself in their position and what I’d do.
NOTE: They jump around a LOT and there are some MAJOR dry spells in here (and I mean MAJOR)
OK, we start off with Tom Savini, Action Hero sequence, where the people are out in the fields, shooting up zombies and doing good work. Some interesting kills, and of course he runs out of ammo and has to be saved by helicopter.
Action Hero Tom Savini and the Sheriff go to a barn and find a group of kids being penned up, and Action Hero Tom Savini goes up to the second floor alone and gets killed by a grey Zombie who just don’t look happy.
Sheriff grabs the kids and Grey Zombie poses and looks uh mean?
– Q1. Why does the Grey Zombie have kids in a pen? Is he smart enough to keep a food supply?
Flash Forward a decade and we get a group of teens being A-Holes about some rapist and murderer, then they whine about missing a friend. They pick on a member of the group, just to reinforce they are A-Holes, then they finally get on the road, but swerve to miss the Grey Zombie and do a Toonsies-level fall off a cliff.
(So we got 2 cars destroyed and a Helicopter rental. I found out the Budget here was only 500K, so here we go)
Ok. Bodies have to be buried, but Grey Zombie comes up and kills the grave robbers (Callback to Return of the Living Dead) and the next day, the owner of the Graveyard also gets it after finding the coffins empty.
Jump again, and we get a carlot owner looking to start a new lot in a small town, and his weak-minded son is going to run it, yet he’s sending his A-Hole salesman over to help start it. They get there and (MUCH LATER) while moving the graveyard bodies that most of the coffins are empty.
– Q2. They are moving the coffins to a “Mass Grave” in a ditch they dug. I want to find a place in America where there aren’t MASSIVE lawsuits if they do this. I don’t care how bad the Sheriff says they need the money, the EPA don’t care. To put a dealership, they have to have a mechanics bay and such. That means oil and gas, the EPA LOVES oil and gas and how its stored and disposed of. So you right ahead and dig a huge ditch, dump a bunch of coffins in it, and then drop a time-it-lube nearby. You are going to need to build a hotel to house all the GMA/Dateline reporters.
– Q3. Who owns the Graveyard after the Grey Zombie kills the owner? Is he just as bad a money-grubber?
– Q4. I sold cars. You are not dragging a top salesman out of a major market to open a smalltown dealership unless he’s getting a HUGE chunk of the ownership, and even then he’s not going to put up with the doofus son.
OK. We move on (and on and on and on) and find out that the Grey Zombie is the rapist and murderer, few more people get killed we don’t care about, GreyZombie looks mean and poses alot, and we finally get to the girl and guy trapped at a diner.
They call the Sheriff who calls in a bunch of guys to grab every gun they can find and get to the diner.
– Q5. How many cops are in this town? Dude’s been sheriff 15+ years and looks the same.
Sheriff reveals lots of info. Action Hero Tom Savini was driven nuts by the Zombie outbreak, the Living Dead coming back had 2 more outbreaks (Guessing that’s the 3 “classic” Romero movies, but the other two movies show HUGE outbreaks that are far larger than just a small town.) The fun one is the girl was one of the kids in the pen. She gets all angry and whatnot for some reason at the Sheriff arguing about Action Hero Tom Savini. My favorite part is the Sheriff reveals that the Zombie outbreaks were due to a probe coming back from Venus.
– Q6 When we send a probe to another planet, we normally don’t get it back, and we DANG sure ain’t getting ANYTHING we send to Venus back. We’d need to send a BOATLOAD of Fuel to even get there, IF we could make something that would survive the pressure.
– Q7 What about the other 2 outbreaks? Did we send 3 probes? You would think after the first one, we’d quit screwing with Venus.
Ok, Posse arrives, and they start shooting the Zombies, but someone yells cease fire and they all pile in the diner.
Here is what I love about Zombie movies. If I’m driving around with my posse. I’m not getting out of the car to run into a building with a ton of windows. I’m gonna stay in the car and do drivebys.
So all the guys are in and they get a “go team” speech and get ready to do some Zombie Killin.
Sheriff give some sage advice.
1. Stay in pairs of two, cover each other
2. Stay sway from the teeth
3. Shoot them in the head.
Excellent advice. Other than the fact that when they run outside, they just run all willy-nilly by ones. Can’t really see the pairing or any strategy.
A Mass battle ensues, several closeups to show makeup jobs.
Here is what I do.
Send a few guys to the roof. let the good shots pick them off with the rifles. Let everyone else sit in the diner with the handguns covering the windows. The Sheriff DOES mention that he doesn’t want to kill them from there, since he’d blast out the windows. Smart move there. Its the middle of the night, why go outside? I do think its funny that the Zombies were smart enough to start breaking the headlights. Why not jump to the roof and wait for daylight and pick them off?
Of course the girl gets put into a backroom, and she gets attacked by a bunch of Zombies who climb in, she gets almost killed, Sheriff saves at the last minute and then he gets bit, and she has to shoot him in the head.
Then we jump to the next morning, where the remnants of the posse are still in the diner, the girl looks scared again and end movie. GreyZombie is STILL out and posing. So he’s still around.
Setting up for a sequel? Really?
Ok. The Good.
Action Hero Tom Savini is the best part in the beginning. Not quite Zombieland but you can almost see it trying. Don’t quite understand why he had to blow up his car, but still.
The Movie DRAAAAAAAAGS. Like Sci-Fi movie DRAGS. You could easily cut 30 minutes out of the middle and move on.
The whole kids in the Barn plot, really doesn’t do anything. It does get called back, but not for any reason. Why she is the “last member” is not talked about for any reason, and considering GreyZombie is still out there, no real change in the situation.
Thats about the biggest problem. The GreyZombie is still . . . hunting? Lurking? doing what exactly? I thought Zombies just went out trying to feed. This guy is sending out “drones” hoarding food, laying low and such. There is NO ENDING HERE!
After all these hours of CRAP we could start the sequel the NEXT DAY!
I do like the THOUGHT of having a Zombie “leader” who’s just eve-ville and such, but he just stands there and occasionally points.
Overall Grade: 0.5
There is NOTHING worth seeing in this movie. Not even a boob shot if you are a 13 year old looking for a zombie movie. This could EASILY play at 6pm on Sci-fi with NO CUTS. How this got a R rating I have NO IDEA. Only Action Hero Tom Savini gets the .5
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